Friday, November 1, 2013

I Think My Professor Is Trying to Kill Me and You Might Not Blame Her.


Eight papers in one semester. 


Eight papers in one semester.


EIGHT PAPERS IN ONE SEMESTER!


Have I mentioned that I have eight papers due this semester? For one grad class? I know I'm being a big whiny baby about this whole going to school at night thing while I still have a full-time job and am writing an epic book that will move America to tears of laughter and sorrow and will poetically speak to the beautiful human struggle that is adolescence and will spectacularly conclude with all of us joining hands like that Coca Cola "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing" commercial only we'll sing "Kum Bah Yah, Motherfuckers" and we will be even more joyous and raucous and super fun than those people in the Coca Cola commercial, only with less 70s armpit hair because nothing crashes a party like too much armpit hair and not enough modern deodorant. Not that there's anything wrong with the crystal rock you rub on your pits so you don't get cancer, of course. Did I mention I was up until midnight every night this week working on my third paper? Wait. What was the point of this?

Hey, even I don't even know anymore.

Oh, yeah. My point was my therapist mentioned that maybe I don't have to work quite so hard on these papers. Maybe I don't have to get a 100% OMG A+++++++++ in this class. And honestly, I had every intention of dialing it in this semester and doing as little work as possible to just coast by and maybe get a B in the class because who really cares, it's just grad school for teachers and I just need the credits, I'm not trying to impress anybody.

And then I started actually taking the class and writing the papers and remembered, oh yeah, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'm super-competitive and I need my pats on the head and my gold star on my forehead. I can't stop. You can't stop this kind of brainiac nerd magic. You just can't. So if I'm going to write a paper, I'm going to write the shizz out of it. I'm going to sparkle and shine.

Some of us just shine. We can't help it.

I would like to now add a note for all of my Facebook friends and let them know that they should be thanking me for the restraint I've had while NOT reporting every grade I've received in the class thus far. When I was in college I used to tape my report cards on the refrigerator for my first husband to see. He was an engineering major so he wasn't getting the 3.9s that I was getting as an English major and I think he pretty much wanted to kill me for plastering our refrigerator with my A's and my letters from the Dean. So what I'm saying is that Facebook is now my refrigerator and all of my friends are like a bunch of first husband engineers who would hate me for crowing about my good grades. So like I was saying, I'm really proud of my self-restraint and how much I've matured since I was in my twenties.

Either that, or it's just that now there are things such as blogs and I can inflict my ego on the internets and leave my poor family alone. Okay. I'm not really leaving my poor family alone because I may have run up to my bedroom and pumped my fist and did a little dance of victory for my husband after I finished my paper. And then I told him how awesome I was.

Feel free to send him sympathy cards.

Anyway, I think this blog post is a good representation of my state of mind right now. I'm sort of hyper and I don't know how I'm supposed to go through this emotional rollercoaster five more times before December. Anyway, I'm thinking about writing a book about the Stages of Grief of an Academic. Here's the outline for the first chapter:

Emotional Stages of Writing a Paper

1. Dread
2. Despair
3. Avoidance
4. Resignation
5. Panic
6. Fatigue
7. Hope
8. Mania


Clearly, I'm on Stage 8 right now. I apologize for this post. But it's better than buzzing around my office and talking like a spaz to my co-workers. Oh who are we kidding, we all know I'm going to do that as soon as I'm done typing this.

Does anyone have any left over Halloween candy? I think I need a sugar buzz. Whoo!



26 comments:

  1. "Some of us just shine. We can't help it."

    Snort....

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad you liked that. I was particularly proud of it.

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  2. i thought those were the eight steps for any project delivery at any every company? ;-) i could feel your muse holding your head under that stream of consciousness run on sentence in the first paragraph. the next few sentence were like gulps of air after you came up to breathe. and for ALL our sakes - step away from the candy and the caffeine for the rest of the day.

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    Replies
    1. BUT I NEED TO SHIIIIIIIIIIINE!

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    2. theres a difference between shining and vibrating so fast you emit light... ;-)

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    3. webster is split on shine > 1. To emit light. 2. To reflect light; glint or glisten. so i'll let fred decide.

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  3. My stepdaughter is in graduate school right now and she could have written this post. I'm going to send her a link.

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  4. How much of the leftover Halloween candy have you eaten?

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  5. Funny you mention the candy. When I had to write papers in grad school, I would buy tons (maybe literally) of candy - sugary, not chocolaty. I would surround myself with it and eat nothing else until the paper was finished. Sadly, it worked every time, thereby reinforcing a terrible methodology.

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    Replies
    1. I was powered through undergrad on liters and liters of Diet Coke.

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  6. Mandy, you're hysterical! This post had me laughing so much -- so I am giving you the 100% A+++++ OMG AWESOME award!

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  7. You know, most of the Coca-Cola Hilltop Singers ended up with diabetes and the world still can't sing a note.

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    Replies
    1. You know pessimism will rot your teeth, young man.

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    2. My daughter gave away all the Butterfingers and Snickers she got last night to a friend because "she" doesn't like them. I couldn't stop staring into that empty mocking pumpkin bag for hours.

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    3. I feel like this comment should be accompanied by Air Supply.

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  8. I like this post a lot. I like the fact that you, despite being super organized and smart, can jump off on a tangent just a bit. I like it because every post I've ever written, no matter how badly I wanted to make some useless point, ended up as a tangent that went somewhere I had no intention of going. Luckily, back in college, I didn't do that on my term papers. If I had I suppose I'd have never graduated. So congrats to you, Writer Woman, and may you make all As on every paper!

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  9. I reached stage 4 early in the semester. Now a major assignment's due so I just whizzed through the rest and now I'm at stage 8.

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  10. The mania is DEFINITELY coming through in your writing. :) I wish I could have even just a small chunk of your personality. My motto in college was: "C is for cookie, and it's good enough for me." This may also have been the Cookie Monster's motto.

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  11. This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine. I'm going to take it round the world, won't let anyone blow it out, I'm going to let it shine. And etcetcet. Shine rhymes with fine; you'll do both.

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  12. So awesome! But you would totally get an A without giving your full effort. Seriously. Take a nap! You are self-motivated and good enough to write an earth-shattering book about each topic AFTER you graduate...and perhaps at a more opportune time. ;)

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  13. I totally understand. Especially once you do well on something, anything, within the context of the class. That means you are capable of, shall we say, winning, and therefore you are motivated to win. And when I say "you are" I totally mean "I am."

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  14. Oh my god, we are the same person! Except I'm older and have lowered my standards considerably. Stay shiny!

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