Monday, February 25, 2013

Meet Cute.


Warning: Falling in love may result in babies.



Have you heard of "Meet Cute?" It's the cute story of how you met your significant other. It sounds like "Meat Cube" to me.

I'd like to thank Erin at Musings of a Madwoman for letting me know about this new Internet slang. I like to be in the know of all things linguistic.

Do you know the story of how I meat cubed my husband?

I found him on Match.com. I love online dating. It's just like catalog shopping. For example, you could go to J.Crew and select a cashmere sweater in Eolian Harp blue, then go on Match.com and select an attorney in Tall, Dark and Handsome!

As my son would say, "Easy. Peasey. Lemon squeezey."

All kidding aside, when I found my Cute Meet on Match.com I had been on the service for five or six months with no action. I hadn't met anyone. I wasn't interested. Nothing was going anywhere. My heart wasn't in it, to be honest.

But then I decided I needed to get over it. I needed to get out. So I made a solemn vow to my girlfriends that I would find someone cute and meet him live and in person within the next week. As God as my witness. And then I raised my staff towards the heavens, lightening and thunderbolts surged forth from the sky and connected with my mighty staff.

I went on Match that night and clicked through pages and pages of faces all wanting to be my next boyfriend. Just kidding. As an unwed mother of a one-year-old child, I didn't think my chances were too good. Yet one cute face did stop me in my tracks and so I read his profile. He was smart. He could construct sentences. He didn't make any grammatical errors. And he was hot so I did the unthinkable.

I "winked" at him.

I know. So embarrassing.

If you've never online dated, a "wink" is a digital wink. You press a little smiley face button and it sends a message to that person that "So-and-So has winked at you!" Basically it's a spineless way of trying to strike up a conversation.

I never initiate dating with men. I don't call. I don't text. I don't make eye contact in a bar. I am the tall girl standing by the wall staring at my feet, probably turning red if I think you're cute. It's a wonder I've ever dated at all.

So the wink is significant. It shows you how serious I was about going on a date within the next seven days. I had to take desperate measures because I was on Match.com without a profile picture. This is certain death in the dating world. If you don't have a picture, chances are you're going to have to either email someone or wink at them.

Though I had no profile picture, what I did have was an incredibly witty and charming profile page. I figure if I couldn't entice the denizens of Match.com men into my lady lair with an enticing photo, I could at least woo them with my words. I wrote something off the wall and batty. As crazy as a loon. I wrote the anti-profile whereupon I listed what I was looking for in a man in the most outrageous and ridiculous fashion.

One of the things I mentioned I was looking for in a perspective mate was someone who was "Mean to old ladies." I emphasized the importance of this quality and how it was basically a deal-breaker for me. It's sort of amazing I didn't attract serial killers, to be honest.

My future-husband emailed back right away.

"You are a smart ass. I like that."

When I read those words, my heart beat a little faster. This is how you romance me. He then proceeded to tell me in great detail about his unbridled hatred for old ladies.

"Why just today I splayed an old-blue hair and her cane across the sidewalk."

It was like corresponding with Don Juan with this one. How could I not fall in love?

The emails sailed back and forth and I don't think either one of us got much done over the next few days of trying to outdo one another. We told all our most outrageous stories. We riffed off each other's verbal tags. I laughed so hard I cried while reading his words. We spoke on the phone and I laughed under the covers in my bed while my son slept in a port-a-crib nearby.

My future-husband asked me out sight unseen.

He never saw a picture of me but had to meet me. I think we both felt like we'd met our best friend. And to this day I really believe he liked me for me. For the essence of who I was on paper. After he asked me out, I did finally send him a picture. Mainly so he would recognize me when we met. Also so he could back out if he wanted.

What I didn't know was that he printed that photo out and kept it in his wallet. Which reminds me of when my mother found a photo of herself in my step-father's wallet after he died. She'd never known that he carried a picture of her with him everywhere he went.

When we finally went on a date, I met my future husband at a wine bar in a local downtown area. I walked through the door and kind of hung there uncertainly, as I am wont to do. I scanned the bar trying to find the face I winked at online. Then he turned around. He was in his suit and tie. The white collars of his shirt were stark against his dark skin. He stood up and I watched him as he walked towards me. We shook hands and it was evident we were both nervous and overly polite.

But I felt butterflies.


40 comments:

  1. love this!and now the lovely grace! i loved match but didnt succeeed.although i have an 8year relationship from match.

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    Replies
    1. Eight years sounds pretty successful.

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  2. I don't think I knew this when we were discussing the Denny's incident last evening.. but the number swapping reportedly occurred after he winked at her and made a phone sign to his ear. So here I was thinking that it was her, and all the while it was the Lothario that lives down the hall. Winking... God help me.

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    Replies
    1. The Denny's Incident. You should write that film.

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  3. Lovely. And to think, you are I think the third or fourth marriage I know of, from Match.com. Sweet.

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    Replies
    1. It was either that or Millionaire Matchmaker.

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  4. Aww. My husband chose me from a blind taste test, too. And I also married my best friend. Wonder if I accomplished this by not letting him see my mug first?

    I'd like to blow our horns a little, too: Think our hubs did pretty well "meating cubes"!

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  5. I love your meet cute!! I tried out dating on the interwebs back in the olden days before Match.com existed and it was always a blast. I met some really nice dudes, but none of them were The One.

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    Replies
    1. It is fun if you go at it with the right attitude.

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  6. I can see how your words captured his attention. And vice versa - is he writing anything anywhere anymore? The Internet has changed so many things - dating is a biggie. I tried a dating site and had to cancel after the bacon date. Scarred for life but it made for a great story.

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    Replies
    1. He's not writing much these days. I miss it!

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  7. Prior to your story, I always thought looking for love was like looking for your shadow with a spotlight.

    It just never happened until things I seemingly wasn't aware of were just right.

    Which in retrospect was okay--as long as it happened!

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    Replies
    1. I like that. Looking for your shadow with a spotlight.

      Reminds me of the story of the Buddhist monk who lost his car keys. He was looking for his keys under the streetlight when a friend came along to help him.

      "Did you drop the keys here?" his friend asked.

      "No," replied the monk. "But the light is better here."

      Or something like that.

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  8. I have goosebumps! Your meat cube is wonderful!!

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  9. cute! er, uh, I mean, "cube!"
    so, that's the trick? no picture? noted.
    I HATED onine dating. I tried match out for a bit after I thought that I was ready to put myself back out there after my husband died. men are a lot more bold when hiding behind a computer...

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, you have to weed out a lot of unsavory characters to get to the good ones. That's for sure.

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  10. I'm also a Match.com veteran. Pinky picked me out of the lineup 6 years ago, and I just haven't been able to shake her.

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    Replies
    1. Picked you up out of a lineup. Haaaaaa!

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  11. Funny, I was really ready to get off of match. I think I'll stay just a little while longer.

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    Replies
    1. Maybe try winking at someone you like.

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  12. You got a very cute meat cube, there.

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  13. Swoon! I am so impressed that he hadn't even seen your picture! I don't think I ever would have gone out with someone without a picture. I'm pretty sure match.com needs to use you two in a success story ad...

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    Replies
    1. Ha. My ad agency briefly had that account and I was like, "I WAS BORN FOR THIS ACCOUNT! PUT ME ON IT!"

      No such luck.

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  14. yes Swoon!! my stomach is flipping with butterflys here! love this great love story!

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  15. This is beautiful. You and the hub are meant for one another. I loved the part about your mom finding her pic in your stepdad's wallet. :(

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  18. Love this although I already knew pieces of this story from your postings back in the day. I also remember reading an awesome version of how you met from his perspective when he was writing. I remember him describing the picture you sent him...he was in love with you before he even saw it. You both are amazing story tellers, I hope you save those writings for Gracie AND Max.

    You two are one of my all time favorite love stories. Together you were whip-smart, a little crazy, very funny, and even incredibly sexy. I distinctly remember one time finding myself in the middle of your comment banter...one time...on MySpaz...and quickly retreating face-a-blush!

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  19. This was entirely wonderful.

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  20. Whoa. Eeeeeerily similar to my story. Except I got sucked in by the super awkward and nerdy username, "Anim8r" *swoon*. So nerdylicious.

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  21. hi Mandy. Hope this comment finds you well. I loved this story. I'm in my own new emailing phase now, and enjoying it very much. I hope it results as beautifully as yours, sans-kids :)

    xx

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  22. What an awesome story! I love it! It's so cool you were best friends first!

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