Monday, January 28, 2013

Happy Birthday to the Most

Nine years ago I got the surprise of a lifetime. I became a mom. It wasn't something I'd planned on and quite frankly, it wasn't really ideal timing. I wasn't married. I'd only just started my first writing gig at an ad agency. I wasn't sure I was ready for this.

Yet my decision to keep him was immediate and visceral. If you had asked me what I would decide to do if I got pregnant, I would not have been certain. It's a scary thing to contemplate being a single parent. But as soon as I knew he was there, inside me, he was mine. It just clicked and I was instantly protective.

That's not to say I didn't have my doubts. I was worried about my ability to support him. I was worried about my ability to be a good mother. I was worried about what other people would think. All of those thoughts and many more swirled through my head.

I kept thinking that this just might be the kind of thing that would require hindsight. I realized that I did not have perfect wisdom at 32 years old. I figured this pregnancy could very well be something I would look back on realize was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

I remember thinking that and wondering if this was what faith was like. Though not a religious faith, in my case. I had faith in my unborn child. I had faith in my decision to keep him. I had faith in myself to be a good mother. After so many years of therapy, it seemed I was finally realizing the ability to believe in me.

Nine years later and I can tell you that my faith was true. I cannot exactly express the mixture of joy, surprise and pride that I have in discovering this inner strength. What I've realized by being a mother is that it is an incredibly healing experience. All of the love you give to your child, you get in return. When you soothe your child in the dark of night, that dark part of you is also healed. At least that's how it worked out for me. And for my beautiful Max. His name is Maximus which means "The Most." And he is the most to me.

Happy birthday, to my sweet precious boy.


25 comments:

  1. Wonderful post — and a very, very happy birthday to Max.

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  2. I learned so much about you from this post. And to think I didn't think I could enjoy you more than I already did...Happy Birthday Max! You've got one hell of a mom.

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  3. Aww, happy birthday Cracky!! We are lucky parents, aren't we?

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  4. thatis a beautiful tribute. msx picked you oir a reason. doublelove for youu both. and happy birthday to the kid with the most.

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  5. Love. Parenthood, the great healing. Happy Birthday Max. And Mom.

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  6. You do choose the best baby names. Happy Birthday to Max! What a beautiful memory of all of your emotions.

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    1. I had a little help from his dad on this name.

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  7. The best things are usually the unexpected. Happy birthday to Max!

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  8. Happy birthday to Maximus. Fifty years later I remember that flashing thought, "I'm not old enough to do this." (Mature, wise enough.) Then it sank into the wonderous feelings rising and that was that.

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  9. He has his mothers eyes. And he is going to be a handsome man one day. All the best to you and your son Mandy. You did good. I hope Max has the Happiest of Birthdays today and many, many more to come!

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  10. He is the most, and he has the most. Happy birthday to Max and mom!

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  11. So beautiful. Happy birthday!!

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  12. Your post brought tears to my eyes because I came by motherhood the first time 'round the same way. LIfe delivers such wonderful surprises to us sometimes.

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  13. Aw, so sweet. I love love love reading about you as a mom because we share some similar stories. I have a 9yr old boy and he's wonderful. He's my only child and he's my heart. Happy birthday dear boy. May all your dreams come true.

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  14. Oh wow! He is SO your little boy. What a beautiful son. Don't tell him I called him beautiful, boys tend not to like that so much for some odd reason...but he IS!

    And that name, so perfect. I hope it was a wonderful birthday. :)

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  15. This blog has a high level of "awww".

    Happy birthday, Maximus.

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