Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Reptillian Bird of Prey Amazonian Sex Symbol.

My eyelids are scaly and red. The area under my eyes is swollen and puffy. My ring finger is ablaze. My skin is a seething cauldron of contact dermatitis. I have eczema and I'm also occasionally and unpredictably allergic to my eye makeup and/or my wedding ring. I've recently discovered that some people are allergic to white gold because it has nickel in it. Thanks, jeweler. Thanks for talking me out of the platinum.

*Sighs*

Today I wore glasses in order to try and disguise the fact that my eyes are all rough and scaly like an Iguana's protruding eyeballs. I'm not one to leave the house without makeup. I'm not sure why that is. My sister taught me how to put on makeup in the seventh grade. And she taught me how to do it right, so I wouldn't look trashy. She was a good role model.

Here is what she told me. It's not too late for you to get a dose of her big sistering. Just a little bit of blush. A little powder. Lip gloss. Mascara. That's it. I've stuck to that routine almost my entire life. If I feel like getting fancy, I'll add some brown eyeshadow and some eyeliner on the top lid. Though my beauty routine is pretty simple, I never leave the house without makeup. For me, it's like walking out the door in sweatpants.

In other words, I feel it signals to the world that you've completely given up. You just don't care any more. You're not making your bed. You're not using the occasional yet discrete breath mint. You may even pick your nose at red lights. You can disagree with me if you like, that's fine. But if you do, I'll suspect you're wearing tennis shoes with jeans as you read this.

*Shudders*

I'm sitting here with my eyelids on fire and my ring finger itching like I've got a case of the chiggers. No, I have no idea what chiggers are, but they sound downright hellish. I tried to take a picture of my inflamed ring finger for you, but all I can see is my enormous man hand.


My god. My hand is bigger than my head. I know I'm somewhat Amazonian in stature, but this is ridiculous. I'm surprised my husband hasn't pointed out this physical oddity. I mean, that's a lot of hand to let near your junk.

Wait, I'll try to make my hands look more feminine. I mean, I can't have all of you thinking I'm some kind of big-handed freak. Maybe that last shot was just a matter of perspective? Here's my second try:


Great. Now it's a claw. I have the delicate talons of a bird of prey. Horrifying. Hear me shriek as I descend upon your manhood like a bloodthirsty American Eagle, filled with rage and DDT.

Let's try one more time. There's got to be a way to make me look normal for my blog post. I have an image to uphold:


Eff you, itchy finger. Eff you.


I'm sure this post had a point. Maybe it didn't? I thought I might try and do that Bloggy Nani Po Mo post every day thing. I re-wrote the former boss piece that I mentioned the other day in my Blogverboten post so that the person in question is now unrecognizable from any person living or dead. So I'm still thinking about publishing it. My attorney husband advises me that I may do so, especially considering that I no longer work for the alleged person and I've changed any identifying details. While I decide on that, I give you eczema and self-portraiture. Enjoy!


30 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. If I could dunk, would I be working in an office right now? No, I'd be coaching women's basketball.

      Delete
  2. Take it from me, chiggers are the worst malady ever and I've had a lot of maladies. So, what you're going through sounds awful. You do look lovely in glasses though.

    P.S. I'm reading this while wearing sweat pants, no make-up and still unshowered. Sorry.

    *Pops a breath mint out of guilt.*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not like you've left the house.

      So we can still be friends.

      Delete
  3. Dairy often causes eczema. You know, in case you wanted unsolicited advice.

    Also, avoid sterling silver as well if you're having nickel issues.

    I'm pretty sure that my son and I combined are allergic to almost everything on the planet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do! I do want unsolicited advice. I really haven't done that much about looking into dietary changes. My daughter, son and husband have it too. Maybe I should abolish dairy from all of our diets?

      Delete
    2. Try it for a week and see if it helps. If it doesn't, there's a whole list if stuff to try removing, one at a time. Soy was particularly nasty for my son's skin.

      Delete
    3. My eczema trigger has always been stress. And nickel. And Target brand disinfecting wipes. I rarely have a reaction/rash/breakout/oozy mess in the same area, either. I blame the already wacky paternal genes that were generously exposed to Agent Orange before I was created. Never connected the dairy to breakouts. Next time one shows up, I'll have to keep that in mind.

      Delete
  4. Ah love, the eczema monster and I have gone DOWN at times--my redheaded son had it so bad when he was baby (we're talking even inside of his ears) I had to coat him from head to toe 4 times a day with Aquaphore. (which I still swear by and use now--like on everything) But he looked like a slimy burn vicitim, all topped off with adorable curly red hair. *sigh* Eczema sucks butt.

    But I find your hands strangely attractive....wait, I'm six feet tall and can palm a basketball. SISTA!

    ReplyDelete
  5. The second picture is very Palmolive. Eczema yes, dish-pan hands, no.

    Going over to Facebook now to take down the picture of myself standing on a beach in Greece wearing tennis shoes with my jeans... :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I should note, there is a tourist exception to the shoes and jeans rule. I mean, so long as you won't see anyone you know.

      Delete
  6. I like the second shot best. It screams out "dainty, demure, feminine claw."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That also describes my personality. How fitting.

      Delete
  7. My cousin went through the itchy ring finger thing for about a year. Always go with platinum. I went through the itchy, scaly eye thing when I moved in with my husband. And his cats. I found this GREAT eye drop, Similasan, over the counter. It's specifically allergy eye relief. Good luck, Scaly Girl.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. I've got an appointment with the dermatologist tomorrow. Let's hope I get some answers and/or a miracle cure.

      Delete
  8. you know, i have attempted the make up thing, but always feel silly when I do. i mostly just mascara. but I feel you, don't like leaving the house without mascara either, i feel more like a zombie than tennis shoes and jeans but.... i don't even own tennis shoes. what am i getting at. oh yeah, you're gorgeous so just shut up. :) love you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Don't worry, I have a solid platinum ring and still get horribly red/raw under it too.I think soap, etc gets stuck in the diamond hole.* Also, I love this whole thing. Love.

    *ha, ha diamond hole (that's gotta be something horrifying on urban dictionary)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have just laughed so loud I had to shoo my boys away from trying to read this over my shoulder! I am so going to attempt to work "diamond hole" into a conversation tomorrow...

      Delete
    2. I hope my husband doesn't read this. Otherwise I'm going to be hearing "Diamond Hole" references for the rest of my life.

      Delete
  10. I just fell head over heals in love with you. Sincerely, this is awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, you're awesome for thinking I'm awesome.

      Delete
  11. Hey, man. Noses don't pick themselves. That claw hand of yours looks an awful lot like mine. Trust me- they're effective pickers.

    P.S. I call the days I dare leave the house without makeup my "high self-esteem days". Then I see a photo of myself and the self-esteem reset button is hit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I call them sunglasses required days. I just don't have eyelashes without mascara.

      Delete
    2. "Noses don't pick themselves."

      I need to get that printed on a t-shirt for my two-year-old daughter.

      Delete
  12. I'm sitting here trying to decide what to write, and I just keep scrolling up to your "feminine" hand shot. And then I start giggling all over again and still can't decide what to say. And the "...that's a lot of hand to let near your junk." was, I don't know what. Awesome?

    Also, do chucks count as sneakers? I don't want you thinking less of me. I am, however wearing makeup. It's from yesterday but I'm pretty sure that's just a technicality.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. On Facebook I admitted that there is a Chucks exception to the tennis shoe + jeans rule.

      Delete
  13. *thoroughly enjoyed this*
    How about when you scratch too much, it bleeds, it scabs and makes you look like a cutter or a meth head.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is there such a thing as "Meth Head Chic?" Er, I don't think so.

      That's too bad.

      Delete