Monday, June 11, 2012

Hitting the Jackpotty.


I've been researching "best potty chairs" for my two-year-old daughter. I'm aware that I may be taking this whole "Things I need to Google" business too far, but whatever. I will not settle for a sub par potty for my baby. She has a delicate constitution.

I thought I'd go with the tasteful, mod lines of an all white Baby Bjorn potty chair. It would give our bathroom the pseudo-European flair that most parents with too much money and not enough quality time covet.

Or I could stick with my heritage. I could respect the long-held values and traditions of my Scottish mother's genes. This family heritage reminds me to value what's most important in life: a biting sense of humor, a deep-held irreverence, an inability to hold liquor, a complete disregard for restraint and good taste, and an unholy love of slot machines.

The Jack Potty from Safety 1st rewards your little gambler for making a "deposit" with bright lights and enthusiastic sounds. Not unlike the the siren call of Vegas, your child will be inexplicably drawn the bathroom over and over again. Because who among us isn't motivated to take a dump beneath flashing lights and a triumphant jubilee.

I can just see us opening the bathroom door and finding little Grace perched on the Jack Potty, cocktail in hand, cigarette dangling from her pouty lip, perhaps a National Enquirer resting on her lap.

Yes, baby. You're a big girl now.




25 comments:

  1. Let me know when she's taking the potty on the road. I'd like to catch up with her in Vegas!

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  2. My husband would never leave the bathroom!

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  3. Um....go with the bjorn. Back in the day (Ha!) the potty seats we had for our kids had a little tray in the front. Good for little golden book or-as my son called them-Loop Doops cereal.

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  4. Hahahahaha...that is the best potty ever invented. My kids got one that looks like a throne and plays music if they EVER decide to actually use it.

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  5. I'm impressed. If I have a great-grandchild some day, I'd have one.

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  6. Omigawd that's funny. I bought a Baby Bjorn for our grandkids. They both wanted a seat that perches atop the toilet instead. I oughtta turn the Bjorn into a planter.

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  7. Love it. I would get one with a bidet. Those things are like heaven.

    Go Grace!

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  8. I'm going to Vegas in a month. I so wish I could play craps while I take one!

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  9. Please tell me they make this for adults! I really want one of these...

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  10. Darn. Someone already mentioned the bidet. I wanted to make that joke.

    Well, we didn't have training chairs where I come from in the back woods of Arkansas (this is prior to my upgrade in society to Oklahoma).

    Toddlers just sat on the regular toilet and hoped their butt didn't touch the water.

    The fact that potty chairs with bells and whistles exist surprises me for some reason. I did a quick Google search and some have magazine racks too. "Hey, since you're old enough not to crap in your pants, let's get to that reading thing too while we're at it."

    My favorite is the portable one that folds up and has a handle. "Hey, I have an idea. Let's take our shitter on the road! We'll just worry about sanitizing it once we get back home."

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  11. They should definitely make one of those for adults, perhaps made to evaluate fiber content. The healthier the, um, delivery, the better the payoff.

    In our family, we swore by the big plastic potty-seat. I think my younger brother emotionally bonded with his. He took it along to every single trip to the grandparents, long after the threat of falling in was gone.

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  12. *snort* By God, go Scottish. Judging from past posts she'll be hooked.

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  13. But - just think of how good she'll be at Blackjack by the time she's 5!

    She'll still be cute enough to bring into a Casino without anyone realizing her true power.

    PS: This commenting system insists I leave my old blog address. But I mean...that's so last season.

    AWhiteUnicorn.com

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  14. But but but... where does the waste go? Is it instantly bronzed for the mantle and comes out the bottom true nickel slot style? Actually, I am really curious - have they improved these things to the point where it's like a diaper genie on the bottom or do you have to clean it up *gasp* MANUALLY? There's not enough Windex in the world really.

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  15. We went with an integrated toilet seat I love so much I'd kiss it if it wasn't a, you know, TOILET seat. Cleaning poops out of a little bowl that came from an Elmo adorned chair was not pleasant.

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  16. Can I just say that I feel rather inadequate now, because not only did I not do any research, I bought the $10 seat that goes on a real toilet so I didn't have to clean anything? I think I'm going to write a parenting manual and call it "Lazy Mama: The Slackers' Guide to Child-Rearing."

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  17. I want a toilet that does that. I bet those are commonplace in Japan... They have everything there...

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  18. Brings new meaning to the term "shooting craps".

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  19. Kinda concerns ME as to what the "payout" for a jackpot must be.....I'd LOVE to have an adult version of this item, but I've been told I stay on the Porcelain Throne TOO LONG as it is....

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  20. O
    M
    F
    G

    sending this to my sister, IMMEDIATELY.

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  21. I couldn't have that around, I would only use it to puke in or take to the woods.

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  22. Oh you made me laugh.

    All I could think of was "now this is what they call playing craps."

    I can't be the only one...

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  23. Wow, and I thought losing was supposed to be "crappy."

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