Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Fistful of Dookie

Toddler Hipster Says: Shit Happens.

My husband is the one who usually gives our two-year-old daughter a bath. He's clever enough to use the time to practice his guitar. He stands next to the tub with one foot resting on the toilet while he serenades her. I've mentioned that he may be ruining her for any other man.

When I give her a bath, I'm in a big damn hurry. I mean, sure, play play play with the bathtub toys and the bubbles, but as soon as the hair is washed and rinsed — her bath time minutes are numbered. I let her watch the water slowly drain out of the tub until it forms a little cyclone by the drain hole. She puts her finger in it just like I did when I was a kid. I think watching the water drain may be the best part of the bath, myself.

Anyway, bath time is significantly shorter with Mama. Bath time with dad is a leisurely endeavor. Our bathing beauty gets to luxuriate in her bubbles, every one of her bath time friends gets to do multiple laps and many a water ballet. Dad practices through chords and strums his weekly song for his instructor over and over again while my son and I listen from downstairs.

But this time the soothing melody was interrupted by an "Uh oh!"

"Was that an 'Uh oh' you need me?" I called upstairs.

"Yeah. I'm gonna need some help with this," he said rather calmly.

I ran upstairs and immediately noticed we had some brown floaters among the bubbles. And the precious baby girl had a fistful of it.

"Yucky," she said.

I can't say I blame her. Warm water. Soothing music. Anyone would get relaxed. And getting relaxed before you're potty trained is a bit messier than after you're potty trained. I do wonder if her father will play quite so many songs next time? With his germ phobia, I'm surprised he didn't shit his pants.



30 comments:

  1. Whoopsie! I can't believe with 3 kids that never happened to me once. Now my ex-husband is another story...

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  2. With or without poo, Grace makes me miss my toddler girls.

    Good for big daddy for setting the bar high for the guys.

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  3. My aunt always tells the story of how my cousin once lined up his turds on the side of the tub from tallest to shortest. He's an architect now, and usually thrilled to hear this story retold.

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  4. First: yes, he's totally ruining other men for her. :)

    Second: this is one of the best toddler poop stories I've ever heard.

    Third: that was the best last line of a blog post I've seen in a long time.

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  5. That's a ballsy move by the hubs. My guitar goes nowhere near water. No way, no how.

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  6. Ok. I just starting reading everyone's posts and already this is the second one about kids and poop. Is this Tues. turd day? Been a long time since my kids were little so I will have to think of something to post. In the mean time....OPPS - GOTTA GO!!!

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  7. Oh my! My parents were cheap and didn't have a video camera when we were growing up (a blessing really!) so they would leave tape recorders to capture our little voices. One time they taped us in the bath so you can hear some splashing, little giggling, then some disturbing bubbles soon followed by my dad yelling, "HON! SHE POOPED IN THE TUB!" and then my mom running to the bathroom. Maybe kids like to just do it to their dads?

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  8. Oh my, you have just brought back trauma from my childhood. *sigh* Younger sister by 18 months, damn near had to do EVERYTHING together, including bathe. (cheapass parents) I still SWEAR it was HER that launched the torpedo!!

    *your dude sounds dreamy.

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  9. Thanks for your comment on my post. It was VERY helpful. Peace.

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  10. Wait until the projectile vomiting starts. My G never seems to make it to the toilet... only as far as the sink.

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  11. He's ruining it for other fathers too! Here I thought I was a good bath giver. If you need me, I'll be in another tab guitar shopping.

    We haven't had any bath poo so far either. He did stand straight up in the tub and pee on me Saturday, though.

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  12. Ha ha ha and I'm still laughing. The most I ever delt with was the black ring after a day out in the dirt.

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  13. @Madge: It never happened with my son either. I think she likes doing it.

    @Nice Peace: You're right. She should be serenaded.

    @Abby: That is hilarious!

    @Stephanie: Thank you. It came to me in a flash of heavenly inspiration.

    @Joshua: That's how I feel about my iPhone.

    @Middle Child: I need a link to the others!

    @Padded Cell Princess: Awesome!!!

    @Chantel: As the younger sister, I enjoy your story immensely.

    @Middle Child: Synthroid Twins Activate.

    @Brian G: Did you do something to piss him off? Hahahaha.

    @Mobius: That reminds me. I have material for another blog post...

    @Miss Yvonne: You know you laughed.

    @Joanne: Lucky.

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  14. G pooped the tub like 700 times last year, I've never bleached a tub so many times in my life. She's doing much better this year, thank goodness. Her daddy is in charge of bathtime, and if I end up giving her bath it's much shorter too. J handles the poop like a champ though, I'm the one freaking the hell out, and I'm in the other room. Gagging.

    I think maybe your little one will have just the right amount expectations due to her daddy, and that's awesome.

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  15. THE HORROR!!!!!! ack!!!!!!!!!

    i don't have kids, but i have a REVOLTING story i could share from my babysitting days years ago. i'll spare you the full story, but let's just say it involved a very chunky little toddler that had corny diarrhea at a swimming pool. it made me cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and her too!!!!!!!!

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  16. I scrolled down to comment and saw, disconcertingly, "A Fistful of Little Ice Cream Sandwiches". My brain had a moment.


    This is delightfully foul. Thumbs up. :D

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  17. Oh, how I've missed you...

    This was perfect and hilarious.

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  18. Oh, how I've missed you...

    This was perfect and hilarious.

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  19. @Amelia: That makes me feel better. This is our darling girl's third poop attack on the tub.

    @DrollGirl: A public pool? That is horrifying!

    @Michon: *Evil laughter*

    @Kate: "Delightfully foul" delights me.

    @Laura: And oh how I've missed your flattery. :-)

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  20. I try not to laugh out loud at work, because that makes it seem like I'm not working. But, you snuck one out of me!

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  21. Dropping a Baby Ruth in the tub is a rite of passage.

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  22. My wee ones have dropped a few in the tub too, but usually they pee as soon as they hit the water- be it tub, shower or swimming pool.

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  23. @Amy: You have made my life complete.

    @Stop Calling Shirley Shirley: LAUGH! Immediate visions of Caddy Shack, of course.

    @One Bad Pixie: "Dropped a few" makes me laugh.

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  24. Just popped over from Libby's blog. I once took my younger daughter to a swimming pool in a posh sports club, and yes you guessed it, she lets lose in the pool.

    I've never taken her since. And she's now 17 years old. :D

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  25. Ugh, Mandy? I think I'm just gonna put this blog behind me.

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  26. Hahaha! I would have called for help, too.

    And you're right - he's setting her up to have mighty high standards for the men in her life. Lucky girl. :)

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  27. We had one poop bath. Luckily, my husband's germ phobia made him feel I wouldn't get it clean enough...

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  28. Aw:( At least she has cute glasses! Looking forward to meeting you on Sunday!

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