Thursday, December 8, 2011

Getting Laid at the Ho Ho Ho.

A couple of weeks ago my son got busted for using the F-bomb at school. He and a friend were saying it to each other at lunch to be big comedians. Ha ha ha. So hilarious.

His dad called to tell me the bad news. He also told me that he had already dealt with it and meted out the punishment, so all I needed to do was to listen to my son's confession when his dad handed him the phone.

"He's going to cry as soon as he hears my voice," I warned him.

"No, no. He's not. He's cool now," his dad assured me.

"Doesn't matter. As soon as he hears my voice, he'll cry."

"He really won't. We've already dealt with it and he's fine," his dad said.

"Okay," I replied and waited for him to hand the phone to the potty-mouthed criminal.

"Mom?" A quavery little voice inquired.

"Hi," I said.

"MoooOOOOoooom!" he cried, choking on his sobs.

Bingo. I win.

"I guess you were right," his dad said when he got back on the phone.

"Freud said the mother is conscience," I explained.

I agreed to go along with his no TV punishment for the crime. I was actually really proud of myself for not completely flipping my lid as I usually would. It's like I conserved karmic energy or something. I may have to make a note of this for future parenting.

Then, the other day, my husband and I were driving the kids to the Ho Ho Ho to get a Christmas tree. (Or as I like to call it, the "Buddhakamas Bush.") We were joking about an uptight person who's been awfully light-hearted and happy of late.

"He must have gotten L. A. I. D.," I said, spelling out the offending word.

"Laid!" my seven-year-old son shouted from the back seat.

My husband and I froze for a moment and stared at each other in horror. Then he collapsed in laughter behind the wheel.

"No more spelling words," I said.

I looked behind me at the beaming boy, so proud to be such a fast speller. Oy.

It looks like his step-dad and I are going to need to learn a common foreign language. The boy is fluent in filth.

I wonder what Freud would say about that?

Ha ha ha.


  1. You can try ig pay atin lay.

    Or sign language.

  2. I do believe this is why pig latin was invented! But you know he'll figure it out eventually. Our time is limited.

  3. I refuse to give up the word "bullshit" because to me it is clearly not an obscenity, and in fact a very useful and satisfying word. My wife is displeased.

  4. I've given up the fight of hiding the fact that sex exists from my kids when my 12 year used the term "tea bagging".

  5. I used to babysit a little kid who would yell "goddamns!!" at all times. It was hilarious and adorable but I had to try and tell him to stop saying it. While laughing.

    I was not super successful.

  6. @Algernon: I remember my step-father asking me if I knew what a bullshitter was when I was around 8 years old. Ha.

    @Mobius: ZOMG. This requires follow-up.

    @Just Me: Laugh! I might start using that myself.

  7. Common, Mandy- you could probably spell out fellatio and a seven year-old might get it (as long as he doesn't know what it means!).

  8. All that said, if you and your husband learn italian so you can speak to each other privately in public, that could be pretty hot.

  9. @The Sweetest: Nope, he still wouldn't get that word. Too many syllables. But check back in a month or two and I'll be S.C.R.E.W.E.D.

    @Algernon: Now I've got A Fish Called Wanda in my head.

  10. My parents used to spell things out until at the age of four I figured out how to spell "pizza". Then they went to meaningful glances...


  11. I love that you were right about the crying. Instead of soap, maybe you should Windex his mouth. It's not toxic, right?

    (God, I don't even feel comfortable typing that joke. I fear DHS will show up on my doorstep even though I don't have kids and confiscate my cleaning products."

  12. Cursing totally adds to Cracky's charm.

  13. My mother and her sisters created a language to use around us when we were kids. My aunt taught it to my sister, and so now, she's still the only one who knows what they are saying.

    And can I be super happy that YOU know your child better than anyone? That really is a satisfactory feeling.

  14. OK. He can spell it.

    But does he know what it means?

  15. I chastised my 15 year old for cursing on Facebook and Tumblr and she said "I can't believe you're censoring me and not letting me be who I am. You of all people should know better!" Can you interpret, Oh Great Mama of the Buddha child?

  16. I'm just brutally honest about everything with my children. It saves thinking up new ways to fool them, although the four year old just keeps rocking back and forth and muttering "Say it ain't so" over and over.

  17. I hear young kids saying bad words all the time. The things is, I'm not sure they know what the words mean. Does Cracky know what fuck means?

  18. I think I'd prefer The Girl learn filth rather than saying to a friend at school last week that she was going to pull a gun out of her princess bag and shoot him. Confusing because we don't let her watch TV with commercials and she only streams three or four cartoons through Netflix. Loved having to deal with that one.

  19. Pearl: Meaningful glances may be our safest recourse.

    La Piazza: No, he does not. Thank goodness.

    Just LD: It sounds like a common case of adolescence to me.

    Wow: No, he does not.

    Joshua: Oh lordy. I bet that was unexpected. *SIGH*

  20. Yeah...not quite the phone call I ever wanted to get while at work.

  21. I am finding more often than not, if I just say it and don't make a big deal out of it- they don't think anything of it. You spelled it, it must be a secret. That is what got his attention. Note to Mandy- don't spell.

    Be proud. You know your kid well. That is awesome!

  22. Oh god, don't we all know what Freud said about that ? LOL
    I will always remember the time my adorable, angelic looking, little boy, said fruck.
    More than once.
    In front of the in-laws.


  23. @Joshua: That's what you get for raising a little gangsta.

    @One Bad Pixie: Definitely a note to Mandy moment. No more spelling!

    @aBroad: Oy indeed! That's hilarious, though.

  24. Reminds me of the old joke: "Don't say fuck in front of the b-a-b-y."

  25. It's like if you own a dog, you have to start saying w-a-l-k. Luckily, they don't catch on as easily as children.

  26. Pretty sure between you and Wow that was awkward, you pretty much make up the coolest kids on the planet.

  27. At least you didn't spell f-u-c-k-e-d. Then you wouldn't get to watch TV.

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  29. He can spell. You win! Who cares which words he can spell? He'll just learn about audience faster than the other kids.

  30. @Shirley: I didn't know that one. LAUGH!

    @Vapid Vixen: His are cooler.

    @Logical Libby: If the world were just, that is.

    @Lauren: I win! I win! *Fist pump*

  31. I walked in on my 6 year old daughter googling the word 'penis' because she heard it at school, and I had told her to look up words she didn't know in the dictionary. ugh...too smart for her own good.

  32. Oh...Mandy.

    That poor little guy.

    I know what you mean about conserving the freak out energy.

    I feel so serene when I can hold it in.

    It's like I transcend.

  33. I'm just stopping by different type of blogs and thought id say hello folks. So greetings from an Amish community in Pennsylvania, and wishing everyone a merry Christmas and a healthy and happy new year. Richard from Amish Stories

  34. your baby daddy must hate to have you as a baby mama, you're too smart.

  35. Hi Mandy,
    Good luck on the new language.
    Does it work: no.
    When kids hear adults not using
    the language they understand...
    it means "I'm not supposed know"
    which translates to: "must be
    really, really good..."
    Somethings are best said when
    small ears are unable to listen.
    My two cents or as our dollar buys half-cent worth of wisdom.
    Richard O.