Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Luck Be a Lady, But Not Your Mama

My husband is out of town for work, so I set my alarm clock early so I could have time to shower before my one-year-old daughter woke up. My alarm went off at 6:30 and I did something to it to make it stop making that horrible noise.

The next thing I knew, I heard a little voice across the hall calling: "Ahma? Ahma?"

I fumbled for my phone to register just how long I'd overslept and read 7:55.


I fumbled my way out of the bedroom, so sleepy I was grabbing the wrong side of the door to find the knob. I think I'd stumbled out of the wrong side of the bed and then somehow got turned upside down and all around. It was like I was in a fun house.

Next I grappled with the nursery door, my fingers slipping on the glass knob until I finally pushed the door open to the sounds of my daughter's multiple crib toys singing/jingling/chirping and whirring. It's basically a disco.

She's a whizz at operating all these musical entertainers and soothers. With her right arm she can reach out and pull down the Baby Einstein Lights n' Music Show like a wizened gambler going for one more shot at the slot machine. I swear she's casually puffing on a cigarette with her left hand and giving me the head nod as if I were a cocktail waitress in a skimpy outfit rather than her mother in underpants.

When her left hand is not casually puffing on imaginary cigarettes, it easily reaches for and pushes the one enormous button that activates the blue light of the Ocean Wonders crib toy. Bubbles gurgle, fish tilt and sway, and music chirps her to a soggy sleep, I guess.

So this morning I stumbled into her whirring/chirping bedroom bathed in a blue glow and fumbled my way into crib. She was sitting up in her sleep bag looking at me rather cautiously. I think she could sense I didn't have my wits about me.

I reached for her and as I did so, she tilted herself forward. My sleepy brain misread her cue as a move towards the Ocean Wonders toy. I thought she was moving away from me and towards her toy for one more push of the magic button before she started her day.

As a courtesy, I pulled my hands away from her armpits so I wouldn't get in the way. Instead of reaching her arms out towards the toy as I expected her to do, she did a complete face plant in plastic screen of the toy.

"I'm so sorry!" I cried and quickly peeled her face off the Ocean Wonders toy where she was already doing the silent intake of breath before the scream.

Poor thing was leaning into me — leaning into me picking her up — not leaning towards the damn toy. It's like I just failed at the game of trust with my one-year-old baby. Now she's definitely going to turn to smoking, gambling and drinking. Those things never let her down. Unlike her pants-less mother.

Or is that pants-less wonder?


  1. We've all be there. The Boy was outside with The Wife and faceplanted...on brick and concrete. Scraped up the whole right side of his face. It looked like he was on the losing side of a boxing match for four days. Even had to send him to daycare like that. Glad no one called child protection.

  2. My cousin's parents let her stand in the front seat of their station wagon while they drove around town and she ended up going through the windshield when her dad had to stop abruptly.

    She turned out just fine. She's a librarian and isn't addicted to anything but Harry Potter.

    It will all be okay. :)

  3. Now, to make you feel better, you're going to get a whole lot of horror stories about other kids. As a grandma who has done something similar a time or two, I sympathize. Fortunately, they seem to bounce back. And you got some extra sleep!

  4. Toddlers are the reason photo editing programs exist. I've been furiously healing brushing the learning-to-walk bruises out for a couple of months now. I feel like it's only a matter of time before someone calls CPS. "Really! He tripped on the edge of the rug, officers! I have it on video!" That's worse, isn't it?

  5. you horrible horrible mother you... just kidding.. I have poked my kids in the eyes, pulled hair, knocked them over with my giant handbag, slammed their fingers in doors and written humiliating things about them on fb... it's all good!!! :)

  6. Well, at least there is an explanation for her future time in juvey.

  7. I have successfully blocked out all the things I ever did that made me ache with sadness at how I thought the children felt about me, life and my mothering ... unless I think hard enough and I do not ever want to do that.
    It is pointless ... you cannot go back. Time just keeps going and leaves you running along after it screaming Wait Wait .. let me try that again !!

    The good news is ... they all seem to grow up and like us anyway.

  8. I think there's a reason very few people remember anything that occurs before age 4. :)

  9. 7:55?? You never slept that late in San Diego. It was because of my snoring, wasn't it.

    BTW- Boyfriend said the first two nights after my return from BlogHer, he heard the most terrifying noises coming from my mouth/ throat/ gutteral area. I can only imagine what you had to endure during that weekend.

  10. @Joshua: Fortunately her contact with a plastic aquarium did not really leave a mark. Plastic is much more forgiving than concrete.

    @Eva: Holy crap! My dad used to let me steer the car and take me for motorcycle rides on the highway. Whee!

    @Blissed-Out G: She totally bounced. But my hair does not. I missed a totally necessary shower.

    @BrianG: They do fall and bump and crash ... a lot. Maybe that's what all the fat is for?

    @Ali: Laugh!

    @Lemmonex: It's good to know the source.

    @aBroad: Fortunately she got over it rather quickly.

    @Megan: Oh sweet. Thanks for reminding me of that!

  11. i am sure she has already forgotten it1 no worries! we all have klutzy moments (especially yours truly!).

    and that video is a scream!

  12. I'm a mandatory reporter, you know.

  13. Waking up suddenly to realize you overslept is by far the worst way to wake up. I feel out of whack the entire day after that. Totally not your fault that you let babypants hit her head. Hopefully her cig didn't burn out during the spill.

  14. It'll probably all be OK.

    And, if not, at least you won't be one of those mothers saying, "Where did I go wrong???".

    Because, you'll know!


  15. Aw, we have all been there (I know for sure I have). My most common mothering fail is I seem to open doors into my children... I'll go to open the closet or the fridge and just as it swings out I hear a thump and a yelp and I'm standing there thinking, when did he get back there? My boys are going to have a door complex...

  16. Firstly, baby disco room? If I ever get knocked up, you can bet your ass I am stealing that nursery idea faster than you can say Donna Summer, Queen of Disco. Secondly, the person you imagine her to turn out to be due to head trauma sounds a lot like me. It could be worse-ish.

  17. This was the most entertaining list of comments ever. I wonder if all these people are funny because they did a face plant when they were one or they didn't do face plants. Since we can't remember before 4, I guess we'll never know.

    I guess you can tell us if your kid turns out funny.

  18. E2 just yelled from the other room for me to pipe down. I'm not one of those people with a quiet, feminine laugh. I tend to bray. I loved this post and I have to pee so badly right now because of that video. Was that a pea that shot out of her mouth? OMG I'm laughing again and have to go use the rest room. Like, now. Awesome post!

  19. These are the moments I dread as a mom. When my nephews hurt themselves, I end up crying as much as they do...makes you wonder who the baby is...
    The video was hysterical! It's funny how babies and adults act exactly the same while drinking!

  20. Don't worry about it. She will get even with you later in life.

    Like when you take the sides off the crib, turning it into a toddler bed... that she can now crawl out of, come into your room and spill/dump water on you while you sleep. You know, to 'remind you' of the time you let her fall face first into the Ocean Wonders toy. Only you will wake up wondering where she got the water from...

    Don't panic it was probably the toilet. The dog was drinking out of it so she knows it was clean.

  21. I hate when I somehow stop the alarm clock, and have no idea until I wake up hours later. Oh and I LOVE THAT VIDEO!