Friday, August 12, 2011

The Upside of Humiliation

I confessed to my husband that I have a problem in my "nether regions."

I use that expression to reference a body part unmentionable. The good of the phrase is that it is vague and imprecise. It affords me the slight chance that the listener's mind might be diverted from the precise target of my humiliation.

Besides, I'm not willing to discuss precise nether regions in a forum where my co-workers, parents, siblings, friends, enemies and elementary school teachers can read it.

So I admitted to my husband that my non-specific nether regions might require medical attention.

He looked at me.

"You'll be fine," he said.

"But what if I need surgery?" I asked, leaping to the worst and most humiliating conclusion possible.

"You won't need surgery."

"Can you imagine?" I pantomimed spreading someone's cheeks apart. "Can you imagine laying face down on a table while a room full of medical professionals scrutinize that place?"

My husband paused and considered my dilemma.

"I'm going to say one thing," he said. "I'm going to say this one thing and it will make all of this better for you." He was certain. He was strong. He was full of conviction and handsomeness. Never in my life had I wanted him more.

"Yes? What is it?"

"Blog material," he said.

"What?" The wheels in my brain creaked to a halt.

"Blog material," he said, nodding his head. We stared at each other for a long time.

"You know me so well," I replied.

And that, my friends, is why I blog. Humiliation is nothing if it makes for a funny post. That is the universal law. Someone said the other day that if you're a writer, you must write as if no one will ever read it. It's the only way to be any good.

My nether regions be damned.

35 comments:

  1. Amen. Embarrassing stories are the best ones to retell.

    My sister once had to have a mole removed from her butt crack. By a male doctor. I'm thinking it's just another day at the office for them...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, I hope your nether regions do just fine, and, you know, stay out of the sun.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well I, for one, quite enjoy the humiliating blog posts. Not just for the entertainment, but so I know that it's perfectly normal to have problems in nether regions from time to time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I was *just* saying this the other day. It's a wonder to ne why everyone doesn't have a blog.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Everything in my life is done for the story...which then ends up on the blog.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Mel Heth: Thank you. I will now refer to my problem as "the mole."

    @Joshua: It was those summers I spent in the south of France, I just know it.

    @Liz: You are not alone. Let's hold each other.

    @Kristine: You were saying this about your nether regions?

    @Lemmonex: Humiliation is comedy gold.

    ReplyDelete
  7. What I love about blogging the tragedies and humiliations is that you find out very quickly that you're not alone, everything is going to be okay and people care... like really care.

    I'm scared to death of having surgery "down there." But I'm pretty sure that someday, I'll be writing that blog. Ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Joshua: I meant that in a "it has absolutely nothing to do with the south of France" sort of way.

    @Eva: The sense of community is the best thing about blogging.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This I understood. And my hyperbole fern thanks you for the food. Now if I can just find someone to fuel the sarcasm plant, I'll be set for the weekend.

    Also, I apologize for my oddness. It's a recessive genetic thing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow, having a MySpaz flashback to a blog you did about bleaching a certain spot down there, and the complete and rapid digression of the commenting on that blog...

    Australians refer to that spot as their freckle, maybe you could work with that?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh my gosh: still laughing at the picture.

    I love your posts.

    And now that I saw you on video discussing large and small linked sausage.So straight faced...your posts are even more amazing.

    SO DANG FUNNY.

    My fave kind of posts from you, why? I don't know...

    ReplyDelete
  12. You have trained him well.

    I have decided that blogging is a lot like being a Girl Scout who is working on earning badges.

    EVERYTHING in life becomes badge potential experiences.

    My daughter and I spent a whole month saying to each other: I bet there's a badge for that.

    And now, it's pretty much the same way with blogging. I am realizing there is gold to be gleaned from my most unfortunate experiences.

    Brings a little sunshine after the rain.

    By the way, yes, indeed, I DID blog about my colonoscopy! :-D

    ReplyDelete
  13. I sincerely wish your nether regions a dignified ending to this tail of woe.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm certainly entertained. And WAY TOO EFFING curious about your nether regions now. 'Roids?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Every friday morning I go sit naked on the curb and wait for the trash man to pick me up.... when he just speeds on by... I go back in the house and figure I must be good for another week.

    ReplyDelete
  16. At least your husband was all for your blog liberation. My husband is pretty good but there have been times where I've had 'the look' followed by, "And no, I don't want you to blog about that..." That just makes you want to blog about it more!

    ReplyDelete
  17. The humiliating ones are some of the very best posts to read. I totally giggled picturing you spreading a pair of imaginary butt cheeks.
    Hope you and your nether's get it all sorted out.

    ReplyDelete
  18. You married the right man. Oh, and as we age our blog material gets better and better.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Pain and humiliation is what makes a funny post. When has there ever been a really funny story about a time where everything went just right and you felt like a million bucks?

    ReplyDelete
  20. I am cracking up right now. But certainly not at your expense. Now go take care of that coochie. It's the only one you've got.

    ReplyDelete
  21. "The quieter you become, the more you can hear. Motivational Quotes" :D Nothing to do with you Mandy, just thought this was funny. And also , you are great, don't worry )

    ReplyDelete
  22. Because like they say in show biz, you nether cut funny!

    ReplyDelete
  23. @Joshua: You're right. I should have read the ellipses as such.

    @Svaha: I believe I wrote about it but did not actually attempt it myself.

    @The Empress: I do embarrassment well.

    @Susan in the Boonies: Badges? I love that.

    @Powder Girl: My nether regions appreciate your sensitivity.

    @Amelia: SHUT UP, YOU!

    @eloh: Laugh!

    @Padded Cell Princess: My husband's favorite posts are the ones that are about him.

    @Vapid: Never say "your nethers" to me again.

    @Just LD: Better or worse? I'm not so sure.

    @Bluzdude: Nobody wants to hear about our successes.

    @The Coochie: Laugh! We will not say "coochie" on this blog, thank you.

    @The Last Santa: What? I can't hear you.

    @Algernon: Nether cut the funny. You just couldn't resist, could you?

    ReplyDelete
  24. Unlike my husband who will listen , will look concerned, give me his medical opinion then say, You aren't going to blog it are you ????

    As if we were talking about His nether regions .. sheesh ...

    I hope the nether region heals on its own .. go to the pharmacy and get something over the counter ? write to me and tell me, I am from a family of ... doctors .. what else ?

    ReplyDelete
  25. So you're saying...nether consider anything off-limits?

    ReplyDelete
  26. "Someone said the other day that if you're a writer, you must write as if no one will ever read it. It's the only way to be any good."

    Now I understand why my blog is so damned good: readership of seven. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm guessing hemorrhoidectomy. Been there, done that, bled and wrote aout it.
    Good luck. Take your paid meds.
    I can't wait to see whether I am right or not. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I processed paintballing in my blog the other day. I had to tell SOMEONE SOMETHING about it. Lucky for me, I gots me a blog.

    ReplyDelete
  29. @Consciously Sedated: Ah hahahaha. *Glares at you.*

    @a Broad: It's an on-going problem. *SIGH*

    @dbs: Boy, I gave you guys so much material today.

    @La Piazza: Just don't edit for those seven and you'll be fine.

    @letmestartbysaying: You guys should form a betting pool.

    @Janice: It's good for something after all.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thank you. Thank you...now I have the vision of the cheek spread in my head.

    You are such a giver.

    ReplyDelete
  31. oh dear. i hope your "region" is going to be ok and that it will NOT require surgery. a friend of a friend had a TERRIBLE "H" problem and had to have surgery on her bunghole. or near it? something like that. she was mortified to death seeing a doctor about her particular problem, and made sure to tell the doctor that it was NOT caused by anal sex. lolololol

    ReplyDelete
  32. blog material does go a long way.
    and recently asked if girls had penises. I told him no they had the vajayjay word. Now my 4 year old son callls lady nether regions "china" I prefer to call mine fine china.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I loved the way you left it all up to our imaginations. Mine was probably more active than most. You'll be fine, I'm sure. Although I'd recommend your surgery in the Netherlands, they have docs very conversant in problems in the Nether Regions.

    ReplyDelete