Friday, June 10, 2011

Win-You-Back Pants

I’m wearing the rock-star-tight Chip + Pepper capri jeans I wore four years ago to seduce my then-boyfriend back into my romantic lady lair after a short break up. By “romantic lady lair” I mean "pants." And by “pants” I mean "heart." And by “heart” I mean “sacred vow of holy matrimony.” And by all that I mean, “give me your man seed so I can have a precious girl baby.”

Okay, I don’t mean any of that. But it all happened and we are both plenty happy about it, especially the girl baby. She seems to like life a lot. Plus she’s grown on us over the past year. We’ve decided to keep her.

But I did indeed mean to seduce him. You don’t jump up and down into a tight pair of denim capris with a very low Lycra content for just anyone. I mean, these pants are uncomfortable but they make me look like Audrey Hepburn so it had to be done.


Four years ago I scrubbed St. Ives Apricot Facial Scrub® all over my body with the zeal of a penitential Flagellant, applied Jergens Natural Glow® self-tanning lotion, blew out my hair, carefully applied makeup that I realized would melt in the June heat, and oh-so casually sauntered over to his house for “some beers and a laugh.” (His words.)

Maybe the “beers and a laugh” were his version of “denim sexy seduction pants?” I suspect they might have been. In fact, we did have some beers and many laughs, me in my tight pants and him sitting all the way over on the other side of the table. The two of us were like a couple of platonic buddies, with our heads-thrown-back and knee-slapping humor biathlon. The laughter was punctuated by many “Why, yes I will have another beer, thank you”s. We were complete frauds, of course.

As the night grew late, he asked me if I wanted another beer.

“I’d better not. If I have another, I’ll be drunk.”

“Then let me get you one!” he said cheerfully and leaped out of his chair.

We sat on the deck and laughed across the table, pretending to be friends. Pretending we weren’t sitting in one of those blue plasma balls with the sparks just flying all over the surface. It was an electrical storm on that deck and while my hair stood on end, we wiled away the hours as though we hadn’t a care in the world. It was all oh-so casual.

However, the pants would not be denied. When it was time to say goodbye and I was ready to go, he touched my hand. In hindsight I realize the Pants of Seduction came off much faster than they went on. They were new then and I recall being somewhat concerned about their tendency to leave blue dye on my thighs. But the night was dark, the man was hot, and I don’t think he cared what color my legs were. Who knows? Maybe he has a secret Smurf fetish. Or maybe I’m just hot in any color? Could be.

Today, the pants no longer leave blue dye on my legs. Today is the first time I’ve been able to wear them since that summer four years ago. Shortly after we got back together I decided to quit smoking. Happiness can make you do foolish things like care about your health because you want to live a long life with your soul matey. Happiness can also make you gain 10 pounds. That’s how much a full heart weighs, apparently.

But today I’m in the seduction pants. It’s a warm June night. Perhaps I’ll ask my husband to have some beers and a laugh on the deck tonight after the babies go to bed. I wonder if he knows that these are the pants that brought him back? I suspect that he might, if only subconsciously. We were walking up some stairs earlier today and like a gentleman, he let me go first. Then he proceeded to growl in a most ungentlemanly manner when he saw the pants walking up the stairs.


These pants are powerful pants. These pants are win-your-man-back pants. These pants make really cute baby girls. Let me know if you need to borrow them.


  1. Happy Dating Anniversary Month to My Husband:

    I met you seven years ago this month, and then I met you again four years ago this month. June must be our lucky love month. You lucky love monkey, you.

    No, I know I've never called you that before but I wanted to come up with an embarrassing nickname to call you for all the interwebz to see.

    Love, Your Schmoo

    (I made that up just now too, but they don't know that.)

  2. Happy Annivesary,

    Seems like you have quite the super heroine closet! ...and what about your baby-making boots? Have you ever worn the Get-yo-man-back pants with the baby-making boots?

  3. Funny that you should mention the baby-making boots. I just threw them out this past spring. Perhaps my baby-making days are over?

  4. Aw...

    I just started to cry a little... Like a good cry.

    Yay for anniversaries!

    Yay for precious girl babies!

    Yay for happiness!

    You deserve gobs of it!


  5. That's awfully nice, Thanks Mr. Monkey! And you deserve a man purse that doesn't look like a purse.

  6. Someone is gonna get some tonight.

    You both are lucky.

    Peace love and a few hard ones for later.

  7. I actually wrote it the other day when it was warm. But he still may get lucky. ;-p

  8. I don't have "eff me pants" though, but then again I sometimes dress like a hooker so that works, too. Except it doesn't work! Dammit, I can't even remember what it's like. :( Maybe I should dress like a school marm and try fishing from a different pool.

  9. Hah, those are some pants! Weapons of mass seduction, no less.

  10. I don't care what size those pants are: I need to borrow them.

    (Note: I do not want a kid but their other powers will be greatly appreciated...)

  11. I wore a Seduction Dress to land my man. (attack really, because he was worthless in the starting a good thing department) It was a flowy summery dress, I don't think it'll fit yet, but that's a good goal.
    Happy Anniversary(s)!!

  12. Those pants for sure need a sisterhood.

    Your comment message is very cute, by the way. Happy Anniversary to you and the husband. :)

  13. In a fit of youthful arrogance, I once told a fetching young woman her jeans would look even better on my bedroom floor than they did on her.

    How did I survive such things?

  14. @Twills: Naughty school marms have been rather successfully seducing men for decades.

    @Powdergirl: Yes! Weapons! Heavy artillery.

    @Just Me: Baby-making pants can be used for practice too.

    @Amelia: You make me remember such a dress, and how my husband quickly turned it into a belt.

    @Mel Heth: Thank you! June is such a romantic month. So green and so full of promise.

    @La Piazza: You made me laugh! How did any of us survive our youth?

  15. What a perfectly perfect story !!

    Happy Anniversary to you and your Love monkey ..

  16. That's exactly why we let the ladies go first... so we get a good look at the back of your, uh, pants.

  17. I love your happy stories! There is something magical about all the Fred/Mandy stories. I'm so glad you got back together with him and made a cute baby girl that makes me smile whenever I see her little face in a picture!

    The line about gaining 10 lbs because "that's what a full heart weighs.." is the best! Kisses to your "soul matey" (and babies)!

  18. Had you come over without those pants it would've ended the same. Only faster. Get it?

  19. @aBroad: Love monkey! *Laugh* Thank you.

    @bluzdude: I suspected as much.

    @QueenDean: Thanks, Dean. He certainly inspires me.

    @Oink: I should have worn sweatpants.

  20. I never assume a man is being gentlemanly when he lets me go first, especially up stairs. ;)

    Loved the link to the plasma ball. When you know, you know. I love your happy ending.

  21. I've always aspired to what my dad (the best writer I've yet known) called "an economy of words." You, apparently, heard the same wise lesson from some other source. Your story is direct, and I suspect its effect is equally so.

  22. You two are special.

    I want to be seduced. ?

  23. @That Janie Girl: They're yours. Let me know how you do.

    @See Kate Run: I've always had the uncomfortable suspicion that they were not being gentlemen about the whole "walk up the stairs first" thing but felt it would be rude to call them out on it.

    @Joe: Thank you. I think. I had to read that twice to be sure. Ha.

    @Wow That Was Awkward: I think you have to play hard to get. Or find someone as clueless as I am. Yeah, find a really slow girl who doesn't know when a guy wants her.

  24. Lovely post, I'm pretty sure your man remembers those pants ;-)
    Happy Anniversary!

  25. @Mrs BC: *Laugh* You're probably right.

    @Chunky Mama: Thanks!

  26. What I've never told you, and hesitate to reveal even now, is that on the evening in question I was wearing my get-yer-lady-back pants.

  27. My husband is thankfully not into super-tight pants. Or maybe he is. I don't know. I don't wear super-tight pants.

    What he DOES like are black yoga pants (that I wear for comfort, not so much for yoga). Bless him for that.