Friday, April 1, 2011

My High-Tech Mouth and Sean Connery

How am I adjusting to wearing braces? It's uncomfortable, yes. I often grimace just to get my lips off my teeth. It's quite possibly driving my husband nuts. Every time he turns around, I'm doing this:

I am also tired of eating soup and yogurt. But when I eat food that requires chewing, I can feel remnants of food clinging to the back of my teeth. Yuck. I've calculated that I have brushed my teeth 35 times in the last week. I wonder if there's a high correlation between wearing braces and developing OCD?

Fortunately I have super high-tech braces that only require 40% of the treatment time of traditional braces. I'm supposedly going to be out of these babies in the next 14 to 18 months.

If you would like to learn about my high-tech braces and the robots responsible for adjusting them, watch this news story from my local television station on my orthodontists' office:

I love how kids keep you honest. This teenager's opinion on his mother's adult braces? "I don't know. She's weird."


Aside from being a "weird" adult with braces, I also sound like Sean Connery. When I get tired or don't pay attention, I let too much air flow through the braces and I get a strong "Schw" sound with my S's.

Something like this:

Sean Connery on schlapping women? "I think it depends entirely on the cschircumschtanschces. ... Then I think it'sch abscholutely right."

I love how Barbara concludes with, "Sean Connery has been married for 31 years and we have not heard a single complaint" from his wife. Of course we haven't. He'd schlapp her around if she did!

Note to self: If the husband ever meets an untimely end, do not consider Sean Connery as a third husband candidate.

That's all on my first week with braces. If I keep writing I might scare away anyone considering getting braces as an adult. I think it's sort of like childbirth. You really shouldn't talk too much about it at first because you'll only scare other expectant moms. If you talk about it later on, you'll forget how much it actually sucked. Instead you'll talk about what a beautiful experience it was.

Schee ya later, Alligatorsch!


  1. Notice to the world: The week I up my life insurance my spouse juuuust happens to include the following phrase in her blog: "If the husband ever meets an untimely end ...."

    (Sound of creepy music.)

  2. Don't be silly.

    *Continues sharpening knives*

  3. (Watches Sean Connery video.)

    (Nods head.)

  4. Having recently emerged from the hospital after heart surgery, my speech for a while contained odd pauses as I struggled for breath.

    My daughter was totally amused by this claiming she thought I sounded like Christopher Walken.

  5. Love the monkey, though I doubt you look like that.

    If one were to drink a lot of scotch, they would end up sounding a lot like Sean Connery. Is that part of the issue?

  6. Girl, I had braces for 4 years when I was a teen. I can't imagine doing it now. But that crap hurts! And you will learn how to get all that stuff out with your tongue, believe me. I did nothing but run my tongue over my nice smooth, straight teeth when I finally got those puppies off because it had been so long since I had done it without braces on them. :D

    New follower here, btw.

  7. Waterpik. Gets the food out of those back braces, no problem. Front ones too, for that matter. Your slurred speech will improve with time. I totally sounded drunk on the job for a few weeks, but it got better. I think.

  8. Oh my, these comments are cracking me up!

    @Robert the Skeptic: I love Christopher Walken! And I can completely hear the affect in my mind.

    @Cary: I hadn't thought of that. I'll start now.

    @Krissy: With the robots you would have only had them on for two years! ;-) I dream of smooth teeth.

    @Blissed Out: I have a WaterPik at home and love it. But I'm not carrying it to work with me!

  9. This is perfect. Absolutely perfect.

    Or should I say...abscholutely perfect.

  10. Actually, I would have had them on about 12 months. Long story but the first orthodontist basically ripped us off because he was the only one for miles around. When we moved, the new orthodontist actually recommended that Mom sue him and she did. He did nothing but torture me for 2 years, basically. Bummer for a teen!

  11. @Just Me: Hahahahaha.


    @Krissy: I don't think there's enough money in the world to buy back two years in braces!

  12. I know what you are saying. I sounded like Humphrey Bogart except I also made a whistle sound.

  13. I think schome wine would help numb the pain!

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