Friday, March 4, 2011

Chewing Is Overrated

People often ask me, "Mandy, how do you stay so slim and beautiful?"

Okay, people don't actually ask me that at all. But I couldn't resist making such an offensive opening statement.

In other fits of honesty, I must tell you, cosmetic dentistry is not for the faint of heart. There is a debt that must be paid to the Gods of Vanity and that debt is paid in pain. Oh, and dollars. Almost forgot that part. Dollars and discomfort, oh my.

It turns out that getting new fillings can cause some initial "discomfort." ("Discomfort" is medical-speak for "Ouch-that-freaking-hurts!") When I first had my metal fillings replaced with composite, it hurt when I bit down on any kind of food that wasn't pre-chewed by my husband. Just kidding. I'm not feeding off him like a baby chick to a mother bird. Again, that sentence was so disgusting I couldn't resist writing it.

Perhaps the pain is making me sadistic?

I went back to the dentist a few days after getting the composite fillings to fine tune my teeth. When all of the surfaces of your molars have been overhauled, you're going to need some smoothing and filing once the Novocaine wears off and you can tell the difference in your bite.

In addition to changes in your bite, some patients will experience hot and cold sensitivity. This is normal and is no cause for alarm, apparently. You'll just need to keep your beverages on top of the refrigerator instead of in the refrigerator. "Room temperature" is your new best friend. Unless we're talking about room temperature yogurt or a room temperature smoothie. Those things are actually kind of gross.

But even if your food is room temperature, it's going to take time to get used to chewing food with your new tooth surfaces. By the time you've made it halfway through a meal, you may just tire of the inconvenience of it all. Food is no longer quite as delicious if both hot and cold foods torment you, and chewing is not entirely comfortable.

You'll get kind of "Meh" on the whole food thing for a while. While this is a somewhat disappointing side effect, there is weight loss to consider. Sweet, sweet, weight loss.

In fact, I lost three pounds in the first week with my new fillings. It's enough initial weight loss to make me realize that the gum procedure I have coming next week, and the braces appointment I have two weeks after that, will result in six weeks of constant dental discomfort! Not that I'll lose 3 pounds per week for six weeks (18 lbs!) but even if I were to lose one pound per week for the remaining weeks, that would equal 8 lbs.

This is the Devil's math, I know. But I went there anyway.

All of this leads me to believe that someone should combine weight loss centers and cosmetic dentistry centers all into one convenient building.

Jenny Craig's Weight Loss and Cosmetic Dentistry Center.

See? It could totally work.


  1. This had me laughing, and cringing with empathetic pain.

  2. Pre-chewed by my husband... that is an image to hold on to!

  3. Awesome, I think you're missing out on the sexual fetish segment: Miss Treatment's Dental House of Pain and Weight Loss. You could have overweight people in headgear on treadmills being flogged by latex[or natural rubber for those with allergies] wearing dominatrices.

    Sorry, went to a weird place there. This was a laugh out loud funny blog. Too bad you have to suffer for your reader's laughs. I only laugh because I've been there, to a lesser degree myself and you're spot on.

  4. Oh, you are so good with your posts.

    Yes, I can't eat a lot of foods, and have had to say no to a lot of foods, b/c my teeth are falling apart.

    WTH? I'm way too young to say, "this is too hard for my teeth" when someone offers me nuts.

  5. What we won't do for weight loss, even if it's a secondary or tertiary objective.

  6. I am terrified of that cookie because I can't see it as a cookie. It's a face and it's mad at me.

  7. That is the most perfect example of multi tasking I've ever heard. It makes me want to go to the dentist to fix my horrible teeth and lose some baby weight at the same time!!

  8. I thoroughly enjoyed this sadistically humorous side of you! Best opening line I've read in a long time.

    I too am a fan of sadism, though not such much in my own personal humor. Sexual sadism, you say? Nope, not that either.

    I am referring to the sadism that exists when my teeth hurt for months after having fillings done and eating any texture of food through the pain anyway (even on the first day) because I am a sadistic and hungry little piggy. (I'm working on making that look sexier.)

  9. I got my braces in college, and I lived off of taco bell and "being broke." That first week, my boyfriend really did bite the tops off of bean burritos for me, and I squirted the insides down my throat like a mexican go-gurt.

    Yeah, I'm gross. You wanna fight about it?

  10. or they could just wire my mouth shut. ... for a couple of weeks, no big deal right?

  11. I need to get my wisdom teeth out in the worst way. I worked for an oral surgeon during college and heard enough groaning coming from THE CHAIR that I put it off.

    This weight-loss plan just might be the motivation I need. Now to save up five thousand dollars.

  12. I was thinking about tripping over my pants as I ran down my concrete front steps and realized if that DID happen, 1) I'd likely bust out most of my front teeth and get a concussion, and 2)HELL-OOOO feeding tube and wired jaw!

    And yes, I think both of us are sick.

    (But especially you because you're already thin and beautiful.)

  13. About a year ago I had all of my metal fillings replaced (and got a crown for good measure). There's nothing quite like having five done at once so that one entire side of your face is so numb from the novacaine that you have to go home because if you went back to the office everyone would assume you'd had a stroke...

  14. I keep my teeth in line by scaring them. I let them know at the first sign of trouble I will replace them all with candy corn.

    It's worked for 37 years.

  15. @Christopher: Mission accomplished! Thank you.

    @Nice Peace: *Regurgitates*

    @Cary: Unfortunately I found out about that weird place when I was googling braces forums. Needless to say, I won't be posting any pictures of my full face with braces. *FREAKS!*

    @The Empress: Why thank you. Have you tried putting them in a blender? *Kidding*

    @Soobs: Yes, ma'am.

    @Tanya: The cookies says you have been very bad.

    @Amelia: You are among friends here. *Opens arms to you*

    @Christina's World: It's good to know I can be myself and not lose readers. ;-)

    @Sandra: "Mexican Go-Gurt" is my favorite comment of the day!

    @Char: Absolutely not. Remember when that girl on the Real World had her mouth wired shut? Okay, like 15 years ago...

    @Kristine: Getting my wisdom teeth removed was bru-tal. I was one of those groaners. Erg.

    @See Kate Run: Did you just ask me how I stay so slim and beautiful?!?!1111111!

    @Amy: Girrrrrrl, I am right there with you. I had nine done at once, so my entire mouth was useless. And I did go to work and I was useless for about four hours.

    @Logical Libby: I should have talked tough to my teeth years ago. *Sigh*

  16. I just had an screw put in my jaw to replace a bad tooth. I had no choice,either have a missing tooth or have them rebuild me. This procedure will cost me about 3500 bucks. I am broke now but I do run faster ,and much stronger,I can see better and hear better,.... )

  17. Did I ever tell you about my orthodontist's forearms?

  18. Two words for you: Sensodyne toothpaste.

    A couple years ago, I had 2 cracked fillings replaced by porcelain crowns. Total sensitivity to chewing and temperature. The toothpaste helped a lot with the hot/cold issue. The chewing thing got better after about 6 months...sorry!

    Those pics at the end were hilarious. Don't let this new diet make you waste away to nothing, skinny minnie.

  19. The Last Santa: Is that an implant? I've heard about those and I've heard it can be quite a process. My condolences, sir.

    LaPiazza: *LAUGH!* Quit scaring me!

    Mel Heth: I actually just started using the Sensodyne this weekend. I hope it helps! And it makes me feel better to know that I"m not the only one who is so sensitive with the new composite fillings.

  20. Well, I'm envious: better teeth, and weight loss.


    If I had the funds, I'd do it. Totally.


  21. Ah, the most effective diet: feeling like crap.

  22. I would have to get my whole jaw wired shut. I have a very healthy appetite.