Friday, January 7, 2011

Oh, You Hilarious Salad, You!

I'm on a diet, so when I saw this post about how many stock photos there are of women laughing with salads, I thought it was the most hysterical thing I'd ever seen.


Oh Salad! You minxy little roughage, you! How you amuse and delight me. In fact, I love you so much you bring out the wild animal in me. The one that is foraging in the woods for food:

Nom. Nom. Nom.

In fact, eating salad has made me feel soooo comfortable in my skinny skin skin, that I've taken to eating salads while wearing as little clothing as possible:

Sure my co-workers have started to complain, but look at me! I look fabulous!


So I'm a little on edge. I've given up bread- and pasta-like carbs in the name of losing the last 7 pounds from The Dancing Baby and The Quitting Smoking. It's Day 5 and I've already lost 2 pounds. I look great but I feel so very hostile. Which makes me think: Where are all the photos of Homicidal Women with Salads?

If you do a Google Image search, what you get is a lot of pictures of angry women, and then a lot of laughing women with salads. But never the twain shall meet.

Oh, and you get this:

This is actually a pretty good representation of how I feel without carbs.

To be fair, I have lost 34 lbs. since April of last year without actually dieting. How did I do it?

Well, first, I gave birth.

That took care of about 23 lbs. almost immediately or within a few weeks. Then I got a personal trainer and I lost another 7 lbs. By December I had lost another 2 lbs. and here we are the first week in January and my five days without carbs have successfully brought me down yet another 2 lbs. Clearly, I am the most awesome dieter ever.

I think I only need to lose another 6 lbs. and then I will be Susan Powter.

So now that I've gone without carbs for 5 days and have lost a mind-boggling 2 lbs. I feel qualified to dole out dieting advice on the internet. I'm basically a dieting expert. Here is what I have to tell you. There is one thing and one thing only that has gotten me through this week without going full Angry Monkey on my husband and children:

Mango Smoothies

Yes. That's right. Go directly to Whole Foods or Trader Joes and buy a bag of frozen Mango Chunks. Yes, they really call them Mango Chunks. How appetizing, yes. I put a cup of skim milk in my BlendTec blender, a scoop of protein powder, and about a half cup of frozen Mango Chunks. Blend until it looks like ice cream and there you have your after-dinner snack. It's sweet, it's loaded with protein, and you feel like you're not denying yourself everything good in the universe.

Angry Monkey says: "Stop being a bitch and have a smoothie!"


  1. Congrats on your weight loss! That is awesome!

  2. Good work on the last 7 pounds. I want a Smoothie now too. Do I have to use Mangoes, though?

  3. I hate to rain on your no carb parade, but mango has carbs in it, as does just about any fruit.

    Low carbs is good (100-150g/day), you can't eat all protein and veggies, you need a few carbs here and there. My research seems to point to cutting out grains, wheat in particular, as the most bang for your dieting buck.

  4. I should have specified. It's "Mandy's Version of Carbs" which means bread, pasta, baked goods all the things that make life worth living.

  5. I'm currently on a Mango fix. I've also used frozen strawberries, blueberries, bananas. I find that the blueberries leave little blue things in between my teeth.

  6. And thank you Eva. They always say it's the last 10 pounds that is the hardest.

  7. Or the last ten pounds that are the hardest. I'm going to have to grammar investigate that.

  8. There. I specified the type of carbs I meant.

  9. if you're not stressing about a few extra calories from fat... try Mango Smoothie with a tablespoon of peanut butter whirled in.

    it's my favourite.

  10. mango would make me the angry monkey. i would like something like fake chocolate raspberry. oh wait...chocolate bad right?

  11. Good job, and blessings to ALL your family.

    I lost 7 pounds in one week, when I gave up "white" - flour, sugar, pasta.

    My family barely survived, though. Although, they say it only takes 3 days to get rid of craving for chocolate. Liars.

  12. I look like that monkey when my husband tells me it's time to go running again.

    The mango smoothie sounds so good, I'm totally making them this weekend! Maybe with a little vodka mixed in there. For extra ummmm...vitamin C??

  13. You bring up an interesting question... I have never seen an obese monkey. I'm wondering why that is?

  14. "Fat Monkey" would be a good name for a band. Or an ice cream treat (in retaliation to Skinny Cow). Or a sex toy.

    But I have always thought that adding "Monkey" to just about anything equals instant comedy.

  15. @[Megan]: You bring up an interesting point. Where does Peanut Butter fit into my life? I will consult with the trainer...

    @Char: Frozen Raspberries plus Chocolate Protein Powder. Et voila!

    @Soobs: Hm. The pediatrician says it takes three days for an infant to adapt to any change. Maybe we're the same?

    @Ms Yvonne: I once attempted to make a chocolate martini by mixing slim fast and vodka. I don't recommend it.

  16. Two old-fashioned MySpazz kudos for using Susan Powter's name in a blog. You are my pop culture idol.

  17. I tried going without carbs before, and it was rough.

    I saw a guy at work eating a piece of cake, and I wanted to french kiss him, for that sweet taste of carb-loaded sugary goodness.

  18. I feel kinda guilty that I was eating BBQ potato chips while I read this. I wasn't laughing while I ate, though. And I won't be laughing when I have to squeeze my muffin top into a pair of spanx to fit into my wedding dress.

    The things you come across when combing for stock are truly amazing. We should probably start a World's Worst stock photo site with some other advertising cohorts. There is some BAD stuff out there. It's an embarrassment to the photography industry.

  19. Congratulations! I have about 10 pounds and five dress sizes to lose before reaching the Before Baby Weight. I'm confused about that works too, and honestly I wouldn't really care about any of those numbers if I could just look good naked.

  20. @Just Jeff: Thank you.

    @Sally Sal: Mmmm. Cake.

    @Mel Heth: I fully intend to squeeze into the Spanx next week when I have to wear a dress. But I don't think they make bikini Spanx and I'm going someplace warm in February.

    @Amelia: It could be that you lost muscle because muscle weighs more than fat. This is what the personal trainer tells me anyway.

  21. Even more than on the poundage (of which I need to lose about two-dozen), congratulations on quitting smoking.

    Now THAT is a bitch. : )

  22. I think laughing as you eat a salad IS the trick to losing weight and enjoy it too. Otherwise it doesn't work. Those monkeys do look nasty, I think they need to eat salad in their underwear...

    my cyber house rules

  23. Ah! I love smoothies! I do Jamba Juice a lot since there's one where I work, and I always look for mangos in the ingredient.

    Awww, I don't feel that awful about salads. But then again I'm eating bread with it and pasta for other meals. I enjoy a healthy well rounded diet. But I spend 6-9 hours a day walking dogs, so that's how I get away with it.

  24. I am so happy to hear about that quitting smoking, lady. I had to work on the weight I gained from that for years. Growing babies was and is nothing in comparison.

    And I enjoyed your post, but I'm gonna go eat a peanut butter sandwich now...after I just ate lunch. (P.S. I am not at all looking forward to the hell I will have to pay after this baby pops out, but I do find your current dietary efforts truly inspiring.)

  25. Sounds yummy. But now I'm craving carbs. I guess I could go make a salad just to see if i'd laugh...

  26. I think anyone who can give up carbs is stronger than someone who can give up smoking or drinking or drugs LOL
    I seem to have this belief that I cannot live without pasta. :(
    When we came here to live, I lost 20 lbs. And that wasn't even trying ! I thought about it when I had time to contemplate something other than how insane we were to move to South America and not speak Spanish, and I realized I was eating much less and only chicken, salads and fish.
    It works. Congratulations , keep it up ..

  27. I cannot and will not give up carbs. Oh, for shame that is just my absolute version of hell. Fruits are carbs, but so what. . . you're going to tell me not to eat an apple? Eff you. :)

    But limiting those tasty delights, sure. . . I can do that. Half a plate of veggies, quarter of protein and quarter of carbs which comes down to a dinner roll or a half cup of couscous. Just keep the butter away from me.

  28. I have nothing nice to say about dieting. It is evil. Go with lifestyle change.... and garlic bread. Sorry.

  29. You know what would make the smoothie better? Vodka.

    And I am totally jealous.

  30. Since taking a regular job with regular hours (instead of taking care of a house, going to grad school and filling several part-time jobs and significant volunteer roles) Flat Stanley has gained 10 pounds. But the regular hours and steady paycheck are nice . . . the weight gain is making FS feel like uh ugly monkey, 'specially when she looks in the mirror and sees her pants getting all tight in the butt.

    Keep up the good work and for pete's sake, stay away from office work.

  31. Hi Mandy,
    "If you do a Google Image search, what you get is a lot of pictures of angry women, and then a lot of laughing women with salads. But never the twain shall meet"
    This is easy to answer.
    Women starting "a long long time ago" found a way to deal with eating salad and missing the goodies.
    Why are salads chopped up into little pieces...Women long ago decided if I can not
    enjoy all foods without gaining weight, take it out on what you eat...the more you chop the better you feel.
    A few words of wisdom or my two cents. Chop it up baby....

  32. Angry monkey speaks to me...and mocks me...he laughs at my ass...

  33. Those bitches are just going to throw those salads back up anyway.

  34. Followed you over from Logical Libby.

    So happy to have found you.

    Very funny posts, and I'm having a good time here.

    Your commenters? They're equally brilliant.

    Clearly, I have found myself in the higher groove of blogs.

    This is awesome.

    And about this post? Not much I care to share, as a noodle is dangling from my mouth.

  35. Confession: I broke down and had a piece of pizza last night. My dieting empire is over.

  36. You are funny, you are awesome, and I love this blog!!

  37. The Empress sent me over here - and she was right, this is hilarious. Although, I eat salad in my underwear in public ALL THE TIME. It gets drafty, but I also have my blog title tatooed across my belly so I'm getting good exposure. Literally.