Thursday, December 23, 2010

Brace Face

I am not a good candidate for Invisalign® braces.

Unfortunately, braces are no longer a matter of cosmetics, but a matter of health. So that means that I am going to have to look like a thirteen-year-old for the next eighteen months or so.

Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to get my teeth fixed. I'm just trying to get my head around the fact that I'm going to be wearing metal braces as a forty-year-old.

I can't help but think of the Sex in the City episode where Miranda wears braces for like a day or a week or something and then has them taken off because she looks so ridiculous.

Thanks, Miranda. That's very encouraging for those of us who actually have to wear them.

So looking on the upside, I do get to pick what color the braces will be. I was thinking of either getting glow-in-the-dark or pink glitter.

What do you think?


  1. Hey, go all out! pink or purple glitter!

  2. Can you still get those giant metal support rods that circle around your head and attach to your grill?

  3. Yes, Mr. Wow. I requested one of those. I believe they call it a "headgear." I'll look like a Star Wars pilot.

    *Pew pew pew!*

  4. Ha! This is an awesome development. I had mine when I was 30, but I also had to have my jaw sawed in half because of my overbite, which was then reset with titanium screws. So take heart, woman.

    If you get the white ones they're not that easy to see. That's what I had. Although nothing's going to keep you from talking in that lispy, numb-lip sounding brace voice.

    Be sure to post pictures. And maybe I should give you a call after so I can hear your sexy new voice.

  5. Pink. The glow in the dark leaves a weird greenish/yellow cast.
    One of my dearest friends literally just had almost all of teeth replaced. It cost a fortune but she feels so much better and her mouth is healthy.
    Soldier on friend, knowing its for the greater good.
    BTW, watch out for pubes, they get stuck in braces.

  6. Ha ha...great video . I had jaw clicking (TMJ)popping ,one of the reasons I needed braces as an adult. It got rid of about 98 percent of it. My jaws would lock in place it was that bad. Braces are a pain because you must buy a water pick, oh its nasty at times. After every adjustment visit you will have some discomfort. Use a mouth wash made for dry mouth every day. I got the metal ones...but if the white shade works get that..You really never smiled toothy grins so you look natural not doing that, but I suggest starting to do that. Just to freak people out, have letters printed on the front, like Love Death, you will look like gangsta.,)

  7. Look on the bright side... you will be very popular with the Justin Bieber aged group.

  8. My mom had braces in her fifties for the second time. She chose clear, which end up looking a bit brown just as a heads up. I'm kidney preppy so I'd go with pink and green.

    Damn this iPad's spellcheck! It changed my word to kidney. Arch!! Dammit it just did it again! I quit.

  9. Pink glitter, of course. Sheesh. Oh, and Shane has to have headgear, only because he has an underbite, his headgear looks like this:

    It can always be worse.

  10. Ultimately, you will get done fast with real braces and you will get a better result than with Invisiline. I actually finished with Invisiline about a year ago and it took me about two years. (It only would have taken a year if I had braces. All said and done, knowing what I know now, I am so happy with my teeth. You will be so happy you did it when you are done. You get to change the bands every couple of weeks with braces so it is not a huge commitment. (I had those on my bottom teeth when i was about 21, but I normally just got the silver bc I didn't want it to be that obvious.) Like, "The Last Santa" commented, you definitely want to get the water pik! You will begin obsessed with it and grow to love it and freak out if you skip it once. I know this is the longest comment ever, but its fresh in my mind! I was totally freaked when i first got mine, (both times) but it is sooo worth it in the end! You won't be sorry!

  11. I had braces at 42. The first few days, no teeth aligned with any others, and I was really worried, but it soon got better. Three things: (1) Definitely use a Water Pik; you'll love it. (2) I never liked biting into food while eating with other people. I'd break off a tiny bit and put it in the back of my mouth so it wouldn't get caught in my braces right in front. I lost about 15 pounds that way. (Not a recommendation, just an observation.) (3) Wear your retainer faithfully after you're done, because adult teeth like to return to pre-braces form (I learned this the hard way). Good luck!

  12. @Richard: I'm glad my travails are so entertaining to you. Actually I should thank you for making me realize this is going to be excellent blog fodder.

    @So not that girl: I was wondering who was going to go there. Thanks for solving that mystery, pervert.

    @Chris: Thank you I think.

    @The Last Santa: You are always a wealth of information. You need your own show. And I will get that WaterPik. I used to have one as a kid.

    @Mobius: Laugh it up.

    @Heather: *Laugh!* What were you trying to spell?

    @Soobs: Oh holy hell. Thanks for the perspective.

    @Jules: I like long comments when they are about me. The two of you have definitely sold me on the WaterPik.

    @Blissed Out: You had me at weight loss.

  13. Mwaaaahahahahahahaha!!! Adult braces are the best!

  14. No brainer - glow in the dark. You'll be able to find your keys or what-have-you's without switching on a lamp.
    Or see what you're doing, and what you're doing it to, at night.

    That reminds me of a joke actually, but it'd be classified as racist, so I shall refrain.

  15. Somebody already did the blowjob joke? Damn, I got nuthin' now. Taking my ball and going home.

  16. Were I in your shoes (so to speak), I'd go for something that combined magenta and lime green.

    You know, sublime. Understated.

  17. @Richard: Photoblog.

    @Venom: Glow in the dark would be handy.

    @Cass: Noted.

    @Kim: Thanks for spelling it out, Kim.

    *Hard stare*

    @Woof: *Rimshot*

    @La Piazza: I only wish I actually had the nerve.

  18. I would go pink glitter all the way. If you're going to do it, why not go all out, right?

    Please take a self portrait if you ever get anything stuck as badly as Miranda does. I know we'll all want to see that.

  19. @Mel: Oh there will be self-portraits. If I can't milk this for self-deprecating humor than it's not worth all the pain, suffering and cold hard cash.

  20. *then

    (Spell correct for two glasses of wine)

  21. You know you can switch up the rubber bands and get different colors to match your mood.


  22. One of the teachers I work with have the old kind of braces and she looks fine. I'm sure it'll be worth it.

    Question: Why is it a matter of health and not just cosmetics now? I haven't heard the news.

  23. I would suggest you purchase an eye patch; that, along with the braces, will cause people to avert their gaze.

    Do alternate the patch over the other eye periodically - better for your eyes and it throws casual acquaintances off.

  24. Go glitter so when the geniuses ask (and you know they will) "Did you get braces?" you can say "Nah been eating fairies"

  25. Heh, you reminded me of Miranda's tongue thrust.

    No worries about the braces. I had them when I got married.

  26. I have the invisaliners.

    They're fine, I just talk with a wet sounding lateral lips, which isn't so fine.

    But, no choice: worst case of TMJ the ortho has seen.