Monday, October 25, 2010

I've Been Pulling My Pants Down A Lot Lately



I went to see the doctor for a swollen eyebrow and ended up with my pants down.

How does that happen?

Sometime last weekend my eyebrow started swelling up. Each day I figured the swelling would subside, but instead it got worse. By Wednesday morning when I looked in the mirror, my eyelid was swollen too.

"Have a good day at work, Squinty!" My husband said.

"Quit staring at my eyebrow." We'd been having a conversation where he stared at my right eyebrow and not directly in my eyes the entire time.

"I'm not," he said, still staring at my eyebrow. "You look beautiful today."

"Shut up."

"You do!" he said and continued to stare at my eyebrow while trying to look earnest.

So I made an appointment with the dermatologist. Once there, she seemed rather perplexed by the swollen eyebrow.

"Are you sure you didn't use any new products or do anything different?"

"Yes, I'm sure," I said.

"Did you recently have your eyebrows waxed?"

"No, I'm growing them out."

"Have you used any new makeup?"

"No."

"Lotions, creams, soaps?"

"Nope."

"Did any sharp objects come in contact with your eye?"

"No!" I laughed. "I would have noticed that."

"Did you get bitten by a bug?"

"Not that I recall."

"Were you outside this weekend?"

"I was! I went to a corn maze!"

"Perhaps you were bitten by a bug in the cornfield?"

"Possibly!" I agreed.

She suggested cortisone, a topical antibiotic and an oral antibiotic. At the mention of cortisone I tried to raise my eyebrow (which I couldn't do, because of the swelling).

"Cortisone? How do you administer that?" I asked and then bugged my eyes out in an attempt to raise the eyebrow.

"In a shot."

"Where exactly would you administer this shot?" I began imagining a needle in my eye.

She pointed at her rear end.

"Ugh," I said.

"In fact, I recommend we do two. One in each cheek."

"Aw man!" I said.

"You've had children, you'll be fine."

Now that I've given birth to two screaming infants this has officially set the bar for my pain threshold. Actually, now that I think about it, the doctor's right. That is all you have to say to me and I'm on board. It's like an instant reality check.

So the nurse came in with two needles.

"How do we do this?" I asked. "I haven't had a shot in my rear end since I was five."

"Some people lay on their stomachs on the table, and some people just bend over and put their hands on the table like this," she said and demonstrated the position for me.

I weighed the comparable humiliation of laying on my stomach with my naked hindquarters facing the florescent lights versus just bending over and scooting my pants down.

"I guess I'll bend over," I said and sighed. "Should I pull my pants down now?"

It's moments like these that I'm glad I work out. In fact, I think having to pull your pants down is the motivation for all exercise on the planet. At least that's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

Fortunately the shots didn't hurt all that much going in. It is true that just having had a baby six months ago has set my pain threshold rather high. That and the fact that the epidural wore off before I had to push that baby out. Ha ha. I am woman, hear me roar.

What did surprise me was that by the time I walked out to the parking lot and had reached my car, both cheeks were already sore. Sitting at my desk was mildly uncomfortable all day and every time I got up out of my chair, I winced just a bit.

But if someone had told me on Wednesday morning that my swollen eyebrow would result in one shot to each cheek, I never would have believed them. Add to this the fact that just last Friday I had an IUD installed in my uterus.

It's a lot of public nakedness for such a private person.

Fortunately the IUD did inspire a great new haircut on Saturday. I told my hairdresser that I wanted "Sexy IUD hair" and I'll be damned if that didn't inspire her. I think I got the best haircut of my life.

Feel free to use that line as creative direction with your own hairstylist. It's very liberating. That and two shots of steroids to your butt and you'll be feeling pretty cheeky.

First attempt at Photoshop. Thanks to Steam Me Up, Kid for the mile-high technical advice.

34 comments:

  1. "Sexy IUD hair"

    I love you. I had sexy IUD hair. Of course, I was divorcing at the time.

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  2. Mystery bug bites are the worst. I've got one on my forehead that looks like an egg implanted under my skin. Now that I know that I'm likely to get shots in my butt, I think I'll not go to the doctor.

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  3. I got a IUD a few years ago but I didn't realize they came with such great haircuts! Damn!

    You look FAB! "Hyberole and a half mug" cracked me up!

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  4. "Feeling cheeky." Dear God, I totally intend to work that into every conversation for the rest of the day.

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  5. The word pants also used to be a distasteful word. Sort of rude really. Pants, pants, pantsss!

    Wooooah! So liberating.

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  6. I love pulling my pants down, but I haven't exercised in years. Maybe I should start. I think it would make it more enjoyable for those around me. I hope the swelling goes down.

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  7. @Soobs: You love me because no one can resist sexy IUD hair.

    @GoldenGirl: That's a good idea. Let me know if anything bursts out of your forehead.

    @Queen Dean: Do you read Hyperbole and a Half? She's wonderful! I like to support my favorite bloggers.

    @Chantel: Cheeky monkey.

    @Ad Astra: Pants was distasteful? Is that why my mom always said "slacks?"

    @6FM: You make it sound like you're a flasher. Ha.

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  8. Aw, you poor thing!

    Loved everything about this post, right down to your sexy IUD hair. :-)

    Pearl

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  9. I want sexy "pull out" hair! That would be so liberating. My hair appointment is coming up and I'm SO asking for that.
    BTW, I've waxed off 1/2 my eyebrows by accident and they were crusty with that pre-blood clear goo that comes out when it is truly excruciating! All that for a very important business meeting.
    Good times.
    Sorry about your ass, I'm sure you can get hubby to rub it for you. :-)

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  10. I was in a corn maze on Saturday. So now I'm supposed to pull my pants down? Okay, now what? Maybe I should read this again more slowly.

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  11. All that nakedness and no sex....what a bummer.

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  12. I don't remember the last time I got a shot in the rear, but I did have an unexpected scoliosis test while wearing a thong about 7 years ago. Bending over to have my spine checked, knowing my naked cheeks were right there was mighty embarrassing.

    I hope your eyebrow gets better! And your cheeks too!

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  13. My, but you do know how to come up with eye-catching titles, Mandy.

    LOL

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  14. I hope the butt shots did the trick and the eyebrow is behaving again!

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  15. You poor thing and what a Good Girl you are !!
    I would have done everything in my power to talk that doctor out of those shots. I gave birth twice... I still won't take a shot.

    Now about the eyebrow... mine was itching 2 days ago. I scratched and wow! did that hurt ! I looked and there was a bit of red swelling going on !
    So I ignored it like any doctor phobic does and by night time it was a bit unsightly, unless you are a prize fighter.

    I got the magnifying mirror and looked and guess what ... I had been fooling around with the Nair and used some on the eyebrow and apparently a little hair was sort of melted in my skin .. so with a bit of digging with the tweezer, I got it out, put some cortizone cream on it and the next morning, I was Cured !!
    Next time, skip the shots, just call me :)

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  16. @Pearl: It's going to be the new Rachel.

    @So Not That Girl: I'm traumatized just reading about your poor eyebrow.

    @Wow That Was Awkward: You don't want to be the Corn Maze Flasher.

    @Ron: Well, the IUD may help with that...

    @Mel Heth: I think bending over in a thong trumps bending over with pants slightly pulled down!

    @La Piazza: This is why I'm in advertising. ;-)

    @Eva: It does seem to have done the trick.

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  17. I need an I.U.D. so I can start whoring around! Dammit, I wonder if my gay can do "Sexy I.U.D. Hair"?

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  18. The labeled pic makes this whole thing. Just sayin'...

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  19. i love this goofy post. i hope your eyebrow settles down. oh and your hair is awesome!

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  20. You are hilarious. I envy your haircut .. mine was just a desaster. I have Dora's bang, thanks to Joseph!

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  21. Hi Mandy,
    Wow, and following the title:
    "And here is the rest of the story"
    I'm amazed, such a small world,
    where pants down...is to...eyebrow
    repair...is to...needle x2 in the
    rear...is to...IUD...is to... haircut = a
    priceless story.
    Hope the swelling is gone.
    Your new hair style by any name
    is fantastic.
    Sincerely,
    Richard

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  22. Well dang. She pointed at her own rear end. She should have been the one to get the shot.

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  23. You stretched it out, huh?

    The pic, I mean! The pic!

    I've had IUD hair before too. Kind of. I passed out on a boat and woke up with a hook and line tangled in my hair. Twins!! No?

    You're gorgeous. The eyebrow just enhances your Nordic-ness.

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  24. hmmm...as an avid one-eyebrow raiser, I feel your pain! Not so much with you on the ass shots, though, sister.

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  25. @Twills: The IUD does not offer protection from STDs you skank.

    @Maggie May: Goofy? This was a story of redemption!

    @Who Wants To Dust: Dora can be very sexy. *Long Pause.* Right Boots?

    @Raao: Why thank you Richard.

    @Flea: You're an astute one. I'm taking you with me to my next doctor's appointment.

    @Steam Me Up: Is that your way of saying my swollen eyebrow makes me look like a CroMagnon?

    Thank you again for the help. I like my new wider columnz.

    @ToniMc: "Ass shots." *Snort* You're such a lady.

    ;-p

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  26. Well, I hope you never have bladder problems.

    I'm in line to have the doctor fill my bladder with a catheter then watch me pee.

    I mean really.

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  27. I love that you are growing out your eyebrows. I thought I was the only one that did stuff like that! I want to pluck them so bad right now!!!

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  28. Brown-Eyed Girl: That does not sound pleasant!

    Angie: If I didn't overpluck, I wouldn't have to suffer through the biannual growing out of the eyebrows.

    *Sigh*

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  29. you've known me off and on since 1992...you know I'm no lady!!

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  30. Great story Mandy! Now I have to go complain to my gynecologist-or my hairdresser - because I didn't get sexy IUD hair when I got my IUD, I want my money back! Oh wait, I didn't pay anything. Nevermind.

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  31. PS - I <3 Hyperbole and a Half - she's brilliant! Might I suggest The Oatmeal if you don't already read that - another great one!

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  32. Squinty!
    So did it go away? Next time you get a cortisone shot massage the area so it doesnt get stiff. Hehe.

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  33. Well it definitely sounds like an interesting visit to the doctor's office. Who knew a swollen eyebrow could be so much trouble? I certainly didn't see that one coming. Thanks for sharing your story. mirena intrauterine device

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