Friday, December 4, 2009

Elastic

What a difference elastic-waist pants make!

I'm not kidding. I feel kinder, gentler and more tolerant of mankind in general today. I feel optimistic, as though, yes, I will in fact lose the baby weight within three months of heaving my daughter out into the world. I feel relaxed and cool, as though I'm not afraid of losing my job. I feel an expanding and yea, limitless capacity for love. I want to hold you all collectively to my bosom. Well, symbolically, that is. Don't touch me please.

(I totally had to dictionary.com "bosom." I tried typing it four different ways and none of them were right. Now I want to find a reason to use "bosomy" in this blog.)

I have a bosomy friend who is on Match.com. She often sends me the choicest of her matches. Today she received this missive from a prospective lover:

"Hi.

I like to ride my bicycle most of all. When I'm home I like to relax and play with my cats and have a cigar and a glass of water and watch a little TV before bedtime."

And there it ended.

I have to admit, I don't know what confuses me the most, that he drinks water with his cigar or that he has cats (multiple) and he likes to play with them. The macho cigar, together with the cats and the glass of water just jars me.

Clearly, something is not right with the man.

My friend bemoans being on Match.com and says to me, "I just want to get off Match someday and meet my prince like you did." I had to remind her that I met my "prince" (he's going to love this) on Match.com so she's going to have to stay on Match in order to meet her prince and then sign off.

Thank god The Fiance never mentioned smoking cigars while drinking water nor owning a small herd of cats. Though he was separated and not divorced when I met him, and I had vowed never to date a separated man again after I met a few too many separated men who only wanted to talk about their Exes while on lovely dates with me.

The moral of the story, you see, is that everything is better when you're elastic. Give yourself a little room to breathe. Open yourself and expand your mind to men with cats and not-quite-divorced lovers.

You never know, you might be surpised by what fits.


(Or, you might just wind up wearing elastic waist pants. You know, because the not-quite-divorced lover knocked you up.)

*Snicker*

33 comments:

  1. Every man I've met who owns a cat has been gay.

    *snaps your elastic pants*

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  2. Not all men who own a cat are gay.

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  3. i fell in love with my now husband the day he told me i was being narrow minded (in regards to me no longer being interested when i learned he was in the military)... turns out, opening my mind also opened my heart.

    ps... a woman who is comfortable with herself is hot. elastic pants make you comfortable with your growing self. ergo, elastic pants are hot.

    revel in it!

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  4. ahahahahaha! I can't believe sometimes I don't click to read the comments and miss who knows what jewels from the separated lover.

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  5. I am convinced beyond peradventure that you can find a metaphor in anything in the world.

    And, yes, I have ALWAYS wanted to pull out the "beyond peradventure." I suspect that you would "get" that compulsion. I could be wrong, though.

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  6. My favorite part of this is how you allowed yourself to meet the perfect guy even though he didn't fit your criteria. Much love is not had due to criteria.

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  7. I was always leery of the guys with pictures of themselves playing guitar. Too contrived.

    I wonder if Mr. Match's cigars are bubble gum.

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  8. Elastic: I heart thee.

    (Oh my God, I bet they ARE bubblegum cigars.

    Or he has a sense of humor?)

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  9. Match dot com hates my guts. So does eHarmony. Whenever I fill out the application I get a message that basically says "you are a freak of nature who will never know love and always be alone. The best you can hope for is to get something with fake tits liquored up enough to fellate you in a grimy mensroom stall in the back of a Chilis during happy hour."

    ...or something.

    It's never dull being me.

    And, Julie, my friend Dave owns an assload of cats. Thanks for ensuring that from now on I'll be suspicious whenever he fingers my butthole. 8 b

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  10. Bah! match.com...I could not get off that fast enough. Seriously I am glad you found someone on there the problem the one quality I could not find a lot of was honesty.

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  11. Love you, dear Mandy ... enjoy while pregnant, a must ... yet, scare me as a 'senior' :)

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  12. You made me laugh out loud.

    kudos on embrasing the elastic pants.

    Matchdot com kept trying to match me up with religious freaks and guys who clearly stated they were interested in women 10 years younger than me. ???? What I also didn't like was that so many guys either wore cowboy hats (???????) or were shirtless. Of he has boobs bigger than mine, there's NO way I'm going to be interested. I must be shallow.

    Your blogs are great.
    *not touching*
    Lafang

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  13. Crap.
    That was IF
    not OF.

    La-duh-fang

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  14. Sheesh. Women. What good is having the bosom if you collectively hold hordes of internet acquaintances to it?

    The Match.com talk reminds me of your friend, I forget who, who kept getting pics of guys in cutoffs holding up the fish they just caught.

    I think cigar-water-cat guy was either a.) being held hostage and sending a desperate coded message to the wrong person, or b.) an alien from the planet Neptune trying to fit in amongst you Earthlings. You heard me.

    Ok gonna watch a little TV before bed.

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  15. You are beautiful.

    And my cats insist I am not gay, damnit!

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  16. Hi Mandy,

    Awesome blog.
    Thank you.

    Sincerely,
    Richard

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  17. My fiance and I met on Match.com and we're not ashamed to say so (at least not any more, though at first it was weird/awkward answering the "so where did you two meet" question). That said, I couldn't be happier that it worked out this way for us.

    Match.com is full of the same weirdos you find out at the bar, along with a few normal people. Just like at the bar, not every person you talk to is going to be worth your time. However, given enough time, the right one might just come along. I had a profile on Match.com for almost 2 years before I met my fiance. Hers was online for about 15 minutes. You just never know...

    @ anonymous: I was one of those shirtless guys with a cowboy hat (I am from Montana after all). It takes all kinds to make this world go round.

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  18. Things I need to do today:
    1. Delete the photo of me playing guitar.

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  19. Fear not, I am here to solve the mystery:
    This is a guy who mostly smokes bongs and has sex or jerks off most of the day. Because these occupations are not very profitable he has no car and has to ride a bicycle. This is basically what he wrote, and showed it to a cleverer friend, who did some fine-editing, thus a bong turned into a glass of water with a cigar, and pounding pussy became a poetic, almost feminine description of a guy stroking cats in front of the tv, which is probably a pothead masturbating to porn.
    Reconstructed and solved.
    Bow.

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  20. Wow. I really made the gay men mad, didnt I? :D

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  21. Love this post... so true! I could use a little elasticity... both in my idea of the ideal guy and in my waistband!

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  22. I would date JoshAlmighty's version of this guy:p


    I'm glad you're feeling comfy! -I had these yoga pants when I was pregnant, which barely touched me at all. It was like being naked, but perfectly ensconced in soft warmth at the same time. Good times.

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  23. That match.com profile sounds like it was written by Bill Clinton.

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  24. I met my husband on MySpazz. I wasn't going to give him the time of day because he was 24 (and I was not.) Good thing I got totally drunk one night and decided to go on a date with him the next weekend. Four years later and still happy and in love. And the sex is out of this world.
    P.S. He owned cats. NOT gay.

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  25. Now I'm pondering buying elastic-waist pants, even though I'm not pregnant. Hmm.

    ~Slinky

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  26. You know what I discovered post baby: that all these hot skinny jeans those damn scrawny models wear: made w/ some form of elastic.

    Though I don't recommend wearing them w/ satin undies, there is NO chance they'll stay up on their own.

    here from Pearl, why you.

    Happy baby and good luck, little girls are the BEST!

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  27. Nana pants? Geek.

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  28. Visiting from Pearl's and enjoying the way you think!

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  29. Probably the best set of comments EVER. You're readers are almost as funny as you are! :-)

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  30. He totally edited out scotch in place of water. Right? Tell me he did.

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  31. I hope he did. I really do.

    It might even make up for the cats.

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