Saturday, November 28, 2009

So You Have a Vagina

I'm having a girl.

Despite my protests that it wouldn't make any difference what sex my child was, within hours of finding out I had already dropped some serious change at Baby Gap, Old Navy and Nordstroms. So there is one difference between girls and boys, and that's that girls have a fierce selection of wardrobe options and retail adorableness available to their parents.

Did anyone else know that Roxy made baby clothes? I mean, seriously, how am I suppose to resist?


My son was ever the diplomat upon finding out he was having a sister. He didn't even pause, he didn't pout, he didn't look disappointed. He simply squealed, "I'm having a sister!" and that was that. Now that he stands about eye-level with my navel, he frequently hugs me and puts his face in my belly while announcing, "Hi baby! This is your brother, Cracky!"

Both Cracky and The Fiance like to put their mouths right up to my belly and announce their presence to the baby. I wonder if it startles her? They both want her to know them, so I encourage this behavior.

And also I'm fat.

21 weeks into this pregnancy and I have officially popped. Unfortunately I'm probably not huge enough to be absolutely-positively-super-obviously pregnant, so I find myself humiliated to work out at the gym. There's no mistaking the volleyball sticking out of my tank top. It wouldn't bother me so much if I were certain everyone there were certain I was pregnant. But I'm not. So I wonder if people just assume I have muscular arms and legs and a fondness for beer. I also vacillate between trying to suck in my gut and pushing it out even further to make sure I really do look pregnant.


And I've had to increase the assistance on the pull-up machine each week. Either I'm getting weaker each week or I'm getting fatter.

Probably both.

*Repeat Sigh*

Being pregnant isn't as cute as I remembered. I'm thinking I'm on to some sort of Mother Nature Conspiracy. You really do forget what it's like to be pregnant, give birth and raise a newborn after a few years. This is how you get tricked into thinking you can do it again.

Well, at least she'll be well dressed. And I'll have really buff arms and legs. I've already determined that I'm not recovering from pregnancy and delivery without a personal trainer. If Heidi Klum can do it repeatedly, what not me?

And I don't even have to strut around in a bikini with angel's wings, so I've got that going for me too. Though my new-found buxomness would suit me well in their lineup. Oddly enough, I'm not enjoying my voluptuousness quite as much as I thought I would. I find big boobs somewhat embarrassing. They stick out so rudely, so obviously. It's like they're trying too hard.

I miss my polite boobs. My aerodynamic chest. My sleek, svelte, cheetah-like self. Made for speed and predation. This larger, rounder, softer, more slothful me is made for fertility. And naps. The Fiance seems to like the latter.

Boys are so weird. 

I think I'm fat, he thinks I'm phat. 

Mars vs. Venus.

XY vs. XX. 

Guess we do have some differences, aside from retail.


  1. I absolutely adored being pregnant. I'm not so sure I'd like it as much now, although I'd be more inclined to spend my time at the gym than at the fridge as I did in the past.

    Enjoy, I'm sure Dancing Baby is.

  2. I too am not one for pregnancy and could surely benefit from Mrs. Klum's trainer. Free of charge, of course.

    and big boobs are loud and rude. trust me, mine never know when to shut up.

  3. Boobs are so obvious about it. I'm convinced mine are always doing things when I'm not looking

  4. Personally, I am avoiding getting pregnant. I think neither the enhanced belly nor the impressive boobs would work for me. I am certain they work much better for you.

    (I am always surprised that women willing do this more than once. Y'all must be very tough. Or very amnesic. Or both.)

  5. boobs are required to be weird and attention seeking when they're large - that's why men like them. right? oh wait, that's a generalization.


    baby gap is very dangerous for the pocketbook but i will admit i drew the line at buying my niece a gold lame christmas dress one year.

  6. Cute post! I like that he thinks your phat!

  7. Yay for little girls!!

    The opening sentence paired with the Victoria Secret angel killed me.

    Big boobs aren't so bad, as long as they communicate. Mine don't speak to each other at all, and frankly it's embarrassing. One hard nipple? Seriously?

  8. Hooray for the vagina!!!! I'll leave the boob talk for those who have them, pregnant or not. I never had them, either way.

    Damn it.

    Now I have boob envy.

  9. I highly recommend the talking-to-the-belly. I used to talk to my exes belly all the time while she was pregnant with our youngest.

    There were complications during the labor (which I of course hope you have none of) and the baby needed to go to a NICU at a different hospital while my ex stayed in the first hospital a couple of days to recover.

    In the NICU she would totally calm down and stop screaming whenever I started talking to her. She recognized my voice and that was all she needed.

  10. Plus your finance is a big boob, right?

  11. Have you got any cravings yet.

    My wife craved punhing me in the side of the head and screaming "It's your fault!" at me.

    Good times.

  12. Well, you could always wear the "Baby on Board" shirt to the gym.

    Congrats to you! You're going to have the two coolest kids ever. :)

  13. I bet you're one of those women who 'glow' when they're pregnant.

    Love that the boys are talking to the new family member!

  14. Crap! That 'anonymous' comment was from me.

  15. i totally remember that 'do they know i'm preggo or think i'm fat' stage!!

  16. Ohhhh yaaaay! You finally told us!

    *grins, smirks, jiggles around in seat*

    I am pleased with this development. That is all.

  17. I'd have to file bankruptcy if I ever had a little girl. The shopping would send me over the edge. Congrats!

  18. I bet you are one of those adorable women with a cute little pregnant belly and you're being too hard on yourself. I had to laugh over the term "polite boobs".

    My husband startled my daughter once when he got close up and started talking once (I think she must have been sleeping in there). I definitely felt her jump and so did he. We still laugh about it.

    I am so happy for you. I can't say it enough. I smile ear to ear every time I read your blogs.

  19. Yup, Roxy makes kids clothes, just you wait, it gets cuter as they get older. The swimwear is adorable. And the shoes. *sigh*

    Congrats on the vagina. Quit complaining about the boobs, enjoy them while they are there!!

  20. @Me: I remember "adoring" being pregnant but now that I'm pregnant again I don't adore it quite so much and wonder really if I ever adore it at all.


    @Tiffany: *Laugh* Impertinent boobs!

    @Prosy: I bet they are, the cheeky monkeys.

    @Mike129: I vote for amnesia.

    @Char: Why oh why would you draw the line at Gold Lame? That's where the line begins!

    @Eva Gallant: He's my #1 fan.

    @Steam Me Up: I know. I keep looking at the title and the picture and I chuckle to myself repeatedly. Nobody cracks me up like I do.


    @Caroline: The miracle of boobs is as mysterious as the miracle of life.

    @Shannon: Don't say "suck" and "boobs" in the same sentence. You'll excite some of our more socially awkward friends.

    @Svaha: Awwwwww!

    @Wow: No. That's why I'm marrying him!

    @The Jules: I do like to narrow my eyes at him and accuse him of putting me in this condition. But then he reminds me that I was a willing participant. Dammit.

    @Grey Street Girl: Can I wear the yellow caution sign too? Welcome back!

  21. ome on now...

    ( (o) )( (o) )

    Who doesnt like big ol tittays?!

    Just wait until you get the donut nipples ;)

  22. supposed to say COME on now...

    And I'm sure you're that skinny pregnant. Cracky's such a doll.

  23. @LaFang: That "glow" is the hormonal rage of a madwoman.


    @MaggieMay: The female mind is a scary place to navigate on one's own.

    @Just.Kate.: Thank you. She thanks you too. She's a people pleaser, I can tell.

    @Kevin: Yes. They grow up in such delightful ways.

    @Lindsay: Srsly.

    @Koreana: I am not adorable. I am hulking and whale-like.

    @Fiona: *Shakes them at you*

    @Sweet Herald: I don't even want to ask what donut nipples are, but you knew I couldn't resist. And whatever they are, I certainly did not get them last time...

  24. Ask Donkey what they are :D

    dont worry, you wont get them, Dolly.

  25. Think Cracky will notice the big tigs? :O

  26. He already has.

    He keeps asking me if I have milk in them, and I keep telling him not yet. He looks like he doesn't believe me.

  27. Julie & Mandy talking about boobs


    It's like going back in time

  28. Hey Mandy. I've been sent here by VirGoddess. Basically, I'm organising a virtual MySpace reunion over at, well, MySpace. If interested, come along and participate. You know, for laffs and nostalgia. :)

  29. Hi Mandy,

    The blog is priceless,
    The comments are priceless.
    You and yours are Priceless.

    Thanks for sharing.


  30. Wow. I don't know how I missed this announcement. I knew you were getting married.

    Congratulations on the little girl. Many blessings.

  31. I really am thrilled that you are having a girl. I have two and one son. One daughter has given me the yougest little girl(so freaking adorable)The son has given me Jade my eldest(who has always lived with me)twin 7yo boys, 6yo boy and precious Gabby. There have been major issues in the family and I now have custody of all 5 of his kids. At 54 I am potty training a two year old and have 3 boys in
    1st grade and have a tween girl that has a boyfriend. Between therapy and drugs I am doing a pretty fantastic job.
    I know you will too. I am so happy for you!

    Kathy (kiki)

  32. Can you tell me where you found Roxy clothes for babies? I just had a baby whose name is Roxy and I would love to get her some Roxy clothes.

    Love your blog :) I often find myself laughing out loud!

  33. I can't believe you're pregnant and doing pull-ups. I want to be you if I ever have kids.

    I agree with you on the boobs, too. Big ones just seem like they'd always be in the way.

  34. I'm still impressed with the fact that I have boobs. I climb out of the shower and in front of the mirror, "Woah! Oh right. Hey guys." And then I started flipping out when I started seeing cleavage in pictures of myself. I don't go out of my way to buy stuff to make that happen. But still, its cool.

  35. If you start buying her Roxy clothes you'll have to go find the Toyota Echo 'Roxy' edition they had a few years ago...

  36. Never having a boy to deal with, I don't know much about dealing with small ones. I can say with certainty that my daughter was a blast growing up.

    The wife is trying to get pregnant and we have both agreed that we'd prefer a little girl, based on the fact that all the menfolk on both sides of the family are knuckleheads and we would prefer a girl in the hope of bypassing that particular piece of genetic doomedness.