Tuesday, July 7, 2009


"Mom, where do babies come from?" my son asked as we were enjoying a summer evening on The Boyfriend's deck.

"I've told you, they come from their mothers' tummies," I said, somewhat surprised at this out-of-the-blue question.

"I  mean, how do babies get out of their mothers' tummies?"

"Through the birth canal, didn't I tell you this already?" I asked and smiled at his sweet little choir-boy face.

"Yeah, but I think I know how babies really come out of their mama's tummies."

Ruh roh.

"Okay. Tell me." I was careful to remain light and calm, though I figured this would be good.

"You'll get mad." 

"No I won't. Just tell me and if you have it wrong, I'll correct you. But I won't be mad."

"Well Ben at school told me that babies come from their mother's nuts." 


The sweet cherubic face stared at me, waiting for my response. Braced for anger, perhaps. The Boyfriend and I stared at each other, each caught in a stunned moment of silence. I fully expected him to laugh first, but the bastard kept his shit together. I, on the other hand, collapsed into a fit of laughter.

"What? What's so funny, Mom?" My son was smiling nervously, confused.

"Oh baby, girls don't have nuts," I managed to choke out, just to assuage any fear of his mother's wrath for saying a word he obviously knew was loaded.

"They don't?"

"No, only have boys have nuts." I heard The Boyfriend finally start to snicker across the table. But I stumbled through. "Do you know what nuts are?"

He nodded.

"Where are they?" I asked.

He pointed at his nuts.

"Okay, so you know boys have nuts and a penis. Well, actually 'nuts' isn't really the polite way of referring to them. You really should call them 'testicles.'"


"Yes, that's more polite. Calling them nuts or 'balls' is considered rude. Anyway, boys have testicles and penises, and girls don't. Girls have a vagina."

"You mean that flat thing?" He scrunched up his face and made his hand flat.

"Yes, where you have a penis and testicles that stick out, girls have a vagina, which is flat, relatively speaking."

He nodded his head soberly.

"What are the other names for 'vagina?'" he asked, rather shrewdly, I thought.

"I don't know," I paused and looked at The Boyfriend. "Do you care to fill Cracky in on the other names for vagina?" I smirked.

The Boyfriend just shook his head, mouth clamped shut. I have never known the man to miss an opportunity to talk about vaginas and nuts, but now Mr. Prolific was suddenly at a loss for words.

"I think we should stick with 'vagina,'" I explained to the boy. "It's more polite."

Just then The Boyfriend caught my eye and mouthed the word Poontang, which I studiously ignored.

Though that'd be quite a word  for Cracky to teach Ben. It'd be a nice little tit-for-tat for Ben's parents at their dinner table, I think. 

"Mom, Cracky told me babies come from their mamas' poontangs."


At least it'd be anatomically correct.


  1. Can you please have the talk with Bitlet when the time comes? 'Cause that would be awesome.

  2. seriously could not stop laughing! thx!

  3. It was the funniest thing that kid has ever said.

    I'm still laughing about it and it's been two days.

  4. Ok I was eating here! I nearly choked to death laughing! LOL!

  5. Oh that is too good. I identify. My 6yo son said "Oh that got me in the nuts!" like a week ago and I was stunned. Like, is that okay for him to say? It sounds like a teenager or something. Yikes! I just told him Mommy is a prude and doesn't really like to hear that kind of thing.

    My friend's daughter got totally traumatized because while the Dad was watching her, he left TLC channel going on TV and "A Baby Story" came on. My friend walked in and found her 6 year old standing there practically catatonic watching the live birth on TV. That was a year ago and to this day she tells everyone that she will be adopting when she grows up.

  6. They showed a video like that to us in middle school. I felt the same way about having children until I found myself unexpectedly expecting at 32.


  7. in a fit of hysterical laughter, a couple of snorts, too, I almost pee'd my pants....thank you. Glad I don't have any....kids....bless you for your composure.

  8. Your graphic...is graphic.


  9. That line is priceless. And I'm sure it will be one that you can proudly share with his future significant other. :D


  10. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
    (thank you, I so needed that)

  11. I like how easily you were able to decipher the boyfriend's mouthing of 'poontang'. Like that is as common as mouthing 'i love you' or 'call me' (when accompanied by the hand phone gesture).

  12. As always, you've lifted my mood. HI-larious. That kid of yours is something else. I believe the term "hot mess" would apply!

  13. I've always read, and followed the advise that when a child asks the question to answer honestly and wait to see if there is another question..most times it was only one or two at a time. Yhis was funny.

    Speaking of funny, DDJ seems to have deleted his entire blog. Don't know what is up but give him an extra hug. He's too hard on himself, no pun intended.

  14. at the very least...and it reminds me of The Christmas Story and the incident with the soap.

  15. Really, I did LOL when reading this. Hilarious! Thanks!!

  16. Poontang sounds like something to eat. Oh wait, I guess it is. :o)

    ~Mickey Joe~

  17. Where in the HECK did they come up with that? Glad he said it out loud. :)))))

  18. Raising children can be so much fun. They can make you laugh and this definitely made me laugh. Laughter is always good. Thanks, howie

  19. The Boyfriend is brilliantly self-controlled, letting you work through the situation in a totally adult like fashion. And a Ted fan. Cool.

    I'm sure he was re-living Wango Tango as he calmly watched you conduct the terminology lesson...

  20. Mostly, I love this, but the best part of this blog is that you were enjoying a summer evening on the boyfriend's deck.

  21. Why are the conversations you want to laugh at most the ones you need to take most carefully? Lmao. I can see The Boyfriend's eyebrows going up and really wide eyes as he mouths pootang.

  22. p.s.
    and cracky is super awesome.

  23. My son is 7 and in the same place with the super curiosity about where he came from. I've explained the basics. But I think he really wants the nuts and bolts of the making of the baby info now.

    Today he asked me, "Mom, so I know I came out of your tummy...did you like, make me from scratch or something?"

  24. Wait, wait. Women don't have nuts? I was taken advantage of.

  25. Jill & I just read this post together wondering what can a mother & daughter add to this rich post ... nothing :) Hugs from Hubbard Lake!

  26. This was so funny!

    Cracky is lucky to have you for a mama. We are, too, because we get to be a fly on the wall. As for the boyfriend, I think I was waiting for his two cents and poontang was worth the wait!


  27. Caroline: I should be a freelance Birds and Bees therapist.

    Captain Charles: I'm glad I made you laugh.

    Cynthia: Yeah, you never expect "nuts" to come out of baby-face's mouth. It's just shocking. And hilarious.

    An Open Heart: I'm glad you enjoyed it. So did I. *Laugh!*

    NotKat: The graphic made me laugh. I like how the little baby's arms are open in the second picture, like, "Tah Dah!"

    Cajun Soleil: I'm making him a book out of all of the Cracky blogs for when he's grown.

    LaFang: I love to make you laugh. ;-)

    Wow: It's one of his favorite words, and it's not the first time I've seen him mouth that word. Hee.

    Rebma: Awesome.

    Eloh: Oh he's fine. He's a habitual deleter and creator. He's the Alpha and the Omega of his blog.

    Char: I don't think I remember that scene.

    Mike: Glad you enjoyed it! I suspected it would be a comedic home run, thanks to the CrackMeister.

    Mickey Joe: Ew.

    Loree: Heck if I know!

    Howie: I aim to amuse.

    SteamGeek: I would suspect the Boyfriend has never heard that song. I could be wrong.

    Nice Peace: Amen to that.

    Ad Astra: I just couldn't keep it together this time. It was too much hilarity for me to contain.

    Cass: I agree with you about Cracky. ;-)

    Ambellina: That is the cutest thing ever.

    C. Andres: I don't even want to know.

    Raao: Thank you.

    Joey: Glad you girls enjoyed it! Merci mille fois.

    Deb: He loves to get the punch line. ;-D

  28. What strange book did that graphic come from? Yikes.

    I think you handled this perfectly, though I've been telling my kids they came from pods. It's a whole lot easier to buy a 1978 Donald Sutherland as their dad than it is to explain their REAL father.


  29. Oh man... I love the visual that accompanies the story, too. Classic.

  30. You mean they don't come from a womans nutz...

  31. There are so many half truths out there, you have let them tell you what they heard, not laugh and then try to find an acceptable explanation.

    You have so many more exciting developments to come!!

  32. eggs...nuts...what next? :P

    You should have told him to tell Ben babies come from a girl's cookie.

  33. That was frickin' hilarious! I'm still intrigued by the picture book. WTH??

  34. Nice blog.

    My two year old announced in the pool changing rooms that "Daddy got willy beard!" at the top of his voice the other day.

  35. *laughs*

    You handled with wonderful aplomb, too.

  36. That is th reason it is said 'Child is the father of man'.

  37. I love the way you put the ball in Boyfriend's court. Perfect.

  38. I am staring incessantly at that picture.