"Mom, where do babies come from?" my son asked as we were enjoying a summer evening on The Boyfriend's deck.
"I've told you, they come from their mothers' tummies," I said, somewhat surprised at this out-of-the-blue question.
"I mean, how do babies get out of their mothers' tummies?"
"Through the birth canal, didn't I tell you this already?" I asked and smiled at his sweet little choir-boy face.
"Yeah, but I think I know how babies really come out of their mama's tummies."
"Okay. Tell me." I was careful to remain light and calm, though I figured this would be good.
"You'll get mad."
"No I won't. Just tell me and if you have it wrong, I'll correct you. But I won't be mad."
"Well Ben at school told me that babies come from their mother's nuts."
The sweet cherubic face stared at me, waiting for my response. Braced for anger, perhaps. The Boyfriend and I stared at each other, each caught in a stunned moment of silence. I fully expected him to laugh first, but the bastard kept his shit together. I, on the other hand, collapsed into a fit of laughter.
"What? What's so funny, Mom?" My son was smiling nervously, confused.
"Oh baby, girls don't have nuts," I managed to choke out, just to assuage any fear of his mother's wrath for saying a word he obviously knew was loaded.
"No, only have boys have nuts." I heard The Boyfriend finally start to snicker across the table. But I stumbled through. "Do you know what nuts are?"
"Where are they?" I asked.
He pointed at his nuts.
"Okay, so you know boys have nuts and a penis. Well, actually 'nuts' isn't really the polite way of referring to them. You really should call them 'testicles.'"
"Yes, that's more polite. Calling them nuts or 'balls' is considered rude. Anyway, boys have testicles and penises, and girls don't. Girls have a vagina."
"You mean that flat thing?" He scrunched up his face and made his hand flat.
"Yes, where you have a penis and testicles that stick out, girls have a vagina, which is flat, relatively speaking."
He nodded his head soberly.
"What are the other names for 'vagina?'" he asked, rather shrewdly, I thought.
"I don't know," I paused and looked at The Boyfriend. "Do you care to fill Cracky in on the other names for vagina?" I smirked.
The Boyfriend just shook his head, mouth clamped shut. I have never known the man to miss an opportunity to talk about vaginas and nuts, but now Mr. Prolific was suddenly at a loss for words.
"I think we should stick with 'vagina,'" I explained to the boy. "It's more polite."
Just then The Boyfriend caught my eye and mouthed the word Poontang, which I studiously ignored.
Though that'd be quite a word for Cracky to teach Ben. It'd be a nice little tit-for-tat for Ben's parents at their dinner table, I think.
"Mom, Cracky told me babies come from their mamas' poontangs."
At least it'd be anatomically correct.