Sunday, April 12, 2009

Huevos

My son just announced, "I'm going to do something funny."

Then he scooped up all his plastic Easter eggs and shoved them under his legs.

"I'm going to hatch you, babies!" he said, and hunched over like a mother hen and made a goofy face. Okay, the face was alarmingly like my own goofy, intentionally dorky face. You know the face, when you force out your bottom lip and jaw in an exaggerated underbite and smile with narrowed eyes.

What have I created?

Yesterday I tried to teach him about his balls. Or "huevos" as they call them in Spanish. My boyfriend grew up in Fresno, California. He tells me it's the armpit of California and he has regaled me with a number of tales of the Mexican gangsters who used to threaten him on his way to and from school. One of the many cultural lessons he learned from them was how to say filthy disgusting things in Spanish. Calling the balls, "eggs" is actually more accurate, I think. They are more egg-shaped than ball or nut-shaped.

They are also delicate.

Anyway, I tried to teach my son Cracky about his huevos yesterday because I've been concerned about his total indifference towards his own ballsack. He doesn't even fumble around with his penis either. I guess he's just not in the "genital" stage yet. Although he knows his penis is called his penis, he's never asked me what the heck that ballsack is hanging beneath it.

Weird.

So yesterday Cracky was digging away at his groinal area and I asked him, "Is something bothering you?"

"Yes, it itches!"

"Do you want me to take a look?"

"Yes, please!" So he came over and pulled his shorts over to the side and showed me the little crevice next to his ballsack, sort of in the crease of his leg, and it was red and dry. I had a little bit of eczema or dermatitis or some such thing when I was a kid, so I went upstairs to get some hydrocortisone.

"This will make it stop itching," I told him and squeezed out some of the ointment.

"Can you warm it up first?" he asked.

*Laugh*

"Do you know what this is called?" I asked, pointing at his testicular-region.

"No."

"Well you know what your penis is called, right?"

"Yes," he giggled.

"Well, these are your testicles."

"Testicles?"

"You have like, uh, balls inside that sack. Those testicles make babies," I said, trying to make it scientific.

"I have balls that make babies?" he looked at me as though I'd lost my mind.

"Well, yes. It takes a man and a woman to make babies. They each contribute half of the genetic material to make a baby. Men have testicles that make sperm, and women have ovaries that make eggs. When you mix the sperm with the egg, you make a baby."

"Sperm?" Again he made a scrunched up face, and looked like he was about to laugh.

"Yes, to make babies."

"Boys make babies? I thought girls made babies?"

"The girls need boys to make the babies. Like I said, a boy contributes the sperm, and the girl contributes the eggs, and together they make the baby."

"I have a baby inside my testicles?" He bent over and peered at his sack.

"No. When you are grown up, and you get married, you'll be able to make babies if you want to. With your wife." I figured I'd better add a dash of morality to this play.

"But I already have a wife."

"Well, that's just your pretend wife. You're not making babies until you're an adult."

"We pretend to make babies at school."

*Pause*

"Kayla pretends to be our baby," he explained.

"Okay, that's fine. Pretending is fine."

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"How does the boy give the girl the sperm?" He made a handing-over gesture with pinched fingers, as though handing me some jelly beans.

*Pause*

"He just gives it to her. Um, er, when you love someone, you get to share your sperm." Christ almighty, this wasn't going how I intended at all. "Well, if you want to make a baby with your wife, you and your wife can decided to share your eggs and sperm and make a baby..." I was flailing.

"You mean to make a family?"

"Yes," I sighed. "To make a family."

Thank you Cracky. Thank you for saving me. You're one good egg.

53 comments:

  1. Stepped off into it a bit there didn't you Bwahahahahaha! Your so lucky Cracky tries to help you understand things in a different light LOL!

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  2. Cracky and eggs and balls all featured in the same blog (I mean essay in writer's lingo)...

    I'm guessing you planned it that way.

    (Great as usual)

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  3. Incredible.

    I've yet to get so in depth with my five year old.

    I'm sure his over-worldly 9 yr old brother has been filling him in (over his head!)

    Said 9-yr old? Fave TV show? Namaste Yoga on fit tv. *sigh*

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  4. I will never think about Easter eggs the same way again.

    And, I can't wait for the blog where you get the note from the teacher explaining how he explained all this to his pretend family at school. I'm sure his translation will be priceless. ;)

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  5. "I have balls that make babies?"
    Mwahahahahahaha.... when you translate it to that, it does sound highly improbable.

    LOVE the way Cracky's mind works.

    LaFang

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  6. Cracky even saves Mama from herself. That could be useful down the road.

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  7. I read your whole post with the lower jaw out/squinty eyes goof face. It feels really fucking good. From inside, my face feels like it's doing Rupret the monkey boy, but when I just took a self-portrait with my phone, I looked like the scary mask from the movie Scream. This is a face for private time.

    Also, I have a great 70's style picture book about mommy and daddy love if you ever need it.

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  8. Yesssss. You've got the face exactly right!

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  9. You are infactuated with the ball sack, aren't you? The birds and bees story has got nothing on you.

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  10. Your Cracky is SO lucky he didn't get attacked with information! Ahhhh! When I asked "the question" I got molested with a sex book. Gross.

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  11. Ha! Ha! My 5yo hasn't ask about his balls yet but he has a very smart explanation about his morning "woody" ... He says that's because he "Really, really needs to go for a big pee!" Ha! ha! Ha!

    Happy Easter!

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  12. Oh balls...You're a pretty smooth sex ed teacher! I can't wait till the sequels to this come out!

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  13. Oh goddess! He hasn't been in the penis stage? Our middle child started when he was two. Would NOT take his hands OFF of it. EVER. Now he's four and still talks about it constantly. He even says, "I love my penis!!!!" all the time. Really, it's alarming. They're supposed to grow out of this!

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  14. Interesting with children around. I heard a joke from my sister in law's son. Which comes first - the chicken or the eggs? The answer was it depends on which you order first.

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  15. I LOVE IT!!!

    I just read this conversation about balls out loud to greasy with tears streaming down my cheek...

    my conversation with my little one went quite similar...

    ah me.

    You are too funny this fine easter morning.

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  16. men actually give? I thought that was some urban legend. *pfft*

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  17. Ha ha ha!!! These are always my favorite blogs. I love it how in the end he always ends up coming up with his own answers.

    You just say stuff until somehow he comes up with a conclusion that sounds good enough to you.

    Bwahhhh!!!!!

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  18. Taticat: *Snort* That's hilarious, and true. The Buddha would approve.

    "Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

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  19. OMG! I love those talks!

    I gave my son a book called, "Where Did I Come From?" illustrated with cartoon-like characters. The woman is plump and a bit droopy. The man is bald and pot-bellied.

    My favorite part of the book is when it says something like, "You might be wondering why people don't have sex all day and night if it feels so good but it's a lot like tickling and makes you really tired."

    Hahahaaa.

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  20. OMG I love discussing babies with my seven year old son... not. He keeps telling me to have another baby. He's ordered a boy. Try explaining a tubal ligation to a seven year old.

    P.S. I'm from Fresno, CA. It is so NOT the armpit of California... that's Bakersfield. lol.

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  21. So far, we've done biology but they haven't asked for mechanics. And if I have my way, they'll never learn *grin*

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  22. LMAO! I am SO SO glad that I have grown step-sons who I can call when it gets to this stage with my little guy.

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  23. This was hilarious. One of my favorites now.

    He made a handing-over gesture with pinched fingers, as though handing me some jelly beans.

    Bahahah!

    You better stop explaining so many details. You're going to confuse that poor boy even more. Laugh!

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  24. Hehe. I'm embarrassed to admit it didn't occur to me to even wonder how the sperm got to the egg until I was 14 and read some book that detailed "white stuff". I was like, "White stuff? There's white stuff??"

    Cracky's a sharp'un.

    (My son is 11 mos old and has already made thorough friends with his family jewels, laughing gleefully as he does)

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  25. LOL! I'm laughing at Ambellina's comment b/c my husband is from Bakersfield! Bakersfield is worse than Fresno.

    I haven't explained to my son the purpose of his balls yet. Thank god!

    Did you thank Cracky for letting you down easy?

    ...CajunSoleil

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  26. Hi Mandy,
    Kids see the forest, even if we
    tell them just about the trees.
    Great story. Thanks for sharing.
    Sincerely,
    Richard

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  27. Trust me, the discussion's even weirder with two girls. Mine are 5 and 7 and still have questions that make me *pause*. Good Lord, they ask the toughest questions.

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  28. A similar incident happened to us prior to Thanksgiving - I wasn't there for it, but left it in the capable hands of Top Gun.

    You can read about it here:

    http://eskimoboblives.blogspot.com/2008/11/talk.html

    I really should put down the real transcript. Because it was quite funny.

    I empathize - fully.

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  29. These are my most favorite conversations with mine. I never offer up any information that he doesn't specifically ask for.

    He has discovered his sack and has decided that he doesn't want to call it anything becaue it's creepy looking.

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  30. Bwahahahahahahaha! I'm not looking forward to this. Mine won't rescue me, he might even throw bricks:p

    He'll be six next week, and every morning when I pull back the shower curtain to see if his hair is rinsed before turning off the water, he's standing there cupping his deal- at which point he might sorta wave with it.

    Ugh. *whimper*

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  31. I learned an important lesson today, and that lesson was 'tell your children the stork delivers babies.'

    And I wanted to say thank you to SMUK for mentioning Rupret the monkey boy. I love that movie.

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  32. I am so going to make this T-shirt:

    "I have balls that make babies"


    I think guys will like that.

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  33. Hahaha, I've explained huevos to my son but avoided the scientific explanation for now...lol

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  34. Ah, mom of a boy fun! Right there with you!

    I'm not sure I can handle the girl stuff...

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  35. I'm keeping my blanquillos to myself. However, I will toss in my thoughts about Fresno and Bakersfield: they make Oklahoma City look downright enticing. You're an amazing prose-smith...I added you to my bloglist instantly. Happy spring!

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  36. That's hysterical...oh...how come I have only fumbled over your blog today, and not sooner? Love it.
    I'll be back...and will be hard to be rid of...lol.
    I love a good honest-blog!
    Your Cracky sounds like a clever little guy.You must be very proud!
    Char.

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  37. These talks fill me with fear. Even when I try to keep to the facts and keep it age-appropriate, there are still those long pauses while they figure out how the daddy gives the mommy the "baby seed." Can't I just send them to Catholic school and have them learn all this stuff from the nuns?

    ... er, on second thought...

    ~Slinky

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  38. LOL...I have so had these conversations with my Samshine. The last one had to do with how good my palm massager felt on his noodle!


    Good luck..I always love it when these conversations take a left turn and you are left going oh Christ...Ia m not going there today! :-)

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  39. That is the funniest story I have read in a long time. :)

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  40. that seems as though it could've gone smoother.

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  41. Ah. Memories. YOur boy sounds like mine.
    :-)

    Pearl
    p.s. I will never look at an egg in the same way. Not sure how I feel about that...

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  42. "I have balls that make babies?"

    Best
    Line
    Ever

    I snotted on my monitor.

    ~Bangin

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  43. Wow. I wish I could talk to my 5 year old that way. He would giggle and then want to count them. My seven year old, he would just say ewwwww! But my three year old boy would probably be the most inquisitive.

    Funny blog.

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  44. Hilarious. Glad I found your blog. Not only because it's funny but because I'm 37 and I had no idea what that thing was called.

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  45. I'm taking notes on your stellar parenting skills again. Thank you for creating a virtual guide for me to follow some day. :)

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  46. Sometimes, I think I was so much better off growing up believing that babies came from a special section in Bergdorf's. Because the truth just sounds so sci-fi.

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  47. Ha! My six month old son coughed so much this week that his testicles finally descended. Now he's even more obsessed with touching his sack. I can't wait until he starts talking about his balls :)

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  48. Whew! You just made it outta there in time! And with no kid-size explanations to spare. By cracky!

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  49. that was too funny :) FCL~

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