Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Pretty Pink (Nonconsensual) Kisses

My son and I went over to my girlfriend's house for dinner last night. She has a three-year-old daughter with the same flame-red hair as her mother. While her mother has been a rather mild-mannered red head and I've known her since our halcyon high school days, my friend's daughter is a pistol.

While my Top Chef-loving son amicably played with her miniature kitchen set and baked imaginary cookies for everyone, things took a turn once they moseyed up to the pink palace that is the girl's bedroom. The little fashionista proceeded to try on every princess dress in her collection, and then wowed us all with full bridal regalia including veil, heels and tufts upon tufts of white ruffles.

"You have to marry me!" she screeched at my son.

Though he had been game enough to play chef to her waitress, and perhaps even brave knight to her princess-in-tower, he was a rather hesitant groom.

"Kiss meeeeeeeeeee!" she screeched again at the determined bachelor. He in turn ran down the hall and cried.

Once we managed to convince Romeo that Juliet would desist in all sexual assaults upon his person, the two miniature we's proceeded to dress me up in their love. I was ensconced in feather boas, covered in both bridal veils and babushkas (simultaneously), glossed in pink oft-used lipstick, painted imaginary fingers and toes, and bedazzled with light-up ruby rings and rave-worthy glow-in-the-dark necklaces. I was only sorry I couldn't fit in any of the Princess's kitten heels.

By then Princess had disrobed to nothing but a pair of pink panties and boudoir heels.

"Mom, why is she naked?" the troubled Prince inquired.

"Oh, it's not like you haven't seen your mother in the same thing," I laughed and shrugged my shoulders.

At which point Princess slid off the offending pink panties and showed the Prince her whole tiara. He just stood and stared at me wide-eyed and somewhat relieved she wasn't trying to plant one on him in her denuded state.

"It's not polite to remove your panties in front of company," my friend reminded her daughter.

(Oh, if only my own mother had reminded me of such things!)

I left feeling primped, pampered and girlified. I'll admit my ovaries twirled a bit as Princess Pink enveloped me in glittery girldom and preschool pedicures. While my head was twirling with visions of ballerinas, tiaras and plastic stilletos, my son was round-eyed and wounded at the indignity of love's first nonconsensual kiss(es).


  1. Bravo!! This was EXCELLENT.
    Her screeching at him cracks me up. And standing there in her panties and heels makes me think of this teeny tiny stripper. Laugh! The blog was hilarious, and adorable. Too bad you didnt have pics. Take pics next time :P

  2. Funny, I have that same outfit:) Run Cracky run, girls have cooties:)

  3. This is what I miss, having no girls. It almost makes me feel kind of... eggy... but not quite. Four kids would be overwhelming, even if I could be promised a girl.

  4. This reminds me of my days as a nanny. I miss them and all the girly-ness.

  5. At least there was no pole involved. I was waiting for you to say, "and then she hit play on the boombox and the music started..."

    Little mini strumpet. LOL.

  6. Awesome...I've nannyed for little boys and I've been the first to hone in on the little 'big' girls with ambitions of playground smooching!

    Impromptu nakey time tends to throw men off...even when they're 25.

  7. she needs a fancy nancy doll - they're so much fun.

    poor cracky....I'm sure was quite the life changing experience.

  8. You know my son would have LOVED taking part in all of this.

  9. I've always thought women forced men into marriage because of learned factors, but now I'm reconsidering.

    "You have to marry me!" she screeched at my son."

    And then she manipulates him with her coochie, just like an adult woman:

    "At which point Princess slid off the offending pink panties and showed the Prince her whole tiara."

    I guess you chicks come with the programming pre-installed.

  10. ah this reminds me of my childhood when our neighbor... well me and her were really close... i mean smacking on the lips close... it was a little too grown up of a relationship... makes me wonder where she got it from ... now i know lol

  11. Certainly, there are days when I think that girlie pink would have been a far nicer alternative - or compliment - to army cammo.

  12. In a few years he'll be begging her to see the tiara! hahaha

    Right, I'm off to buy Mouse panties she can't get out of without scissors and a drill.


  13. What can I say, I am raising an upcoming nudist princess, begging for her first kiss. My daughter piling on anything pink to you, you son's sense of fashio editing, it's a match made in heaven. This is a regular night at our house, come over anytime!

  14. I second Richard's comment. It hit the nail on the head. Ha.

    This blog gave me an amazingly vivid visual. You are sooo talented Mandy.

  15. How awesome that your 'ovaries twirled' That always feels like a romantic Sunday morning.

  16. I think Richard hit the nail squarely on the head.

  17. I wonder if Cracky will recall that day a dozen years from now when he's really hoping to see the whole tiara.

    Excellent write, Mandy. And a slice of American living if ever there was one. :-)

  18. ""It's not polite to remove your panties in front of company," my friend reminded her daughter."

    thats classic. had to try really hard to avoid the snorting-giggles at that line, lol.

  19. Your friend's daughter sounds just like my daughter. It took me years to convince her she couldn't marry her younger brother. ;)

  20. Hi Mandy,
    I believe little girls can sense
    fear in little boys, from the time
    we guys are little we are no match...but Cracky has you for protection.

  21. Heh. Awesome. I sometimes miss the girly stuff like having to know all the Barbie voices and which high heels to put on Ken when he's feeling extra pretty.

  22. Awesome! I will share a picture of my girls dressing up their brother. I like this! :)

  23. I've said it once if I've said it a million times.... you ladies meet a man that can cook and the instinct to shackle him to you is undeniable.

    Your son needs a guy day out now. Me and Wow that was Awkward are gonna take him to Vegas for the weekend. Don't worry, we're totally cool.

  24. this should've all taken place in the middle of some sort of glen. in fact, yes...i think you should insist that it did.

  25. all redheads are trouble.

    that's why I married one.

  26. Girls are so weird.

    Sex Mahoney for President