Monday, November 24, 2008

On Birth Canals and Other Bodily Holes

"Only you can call me baby, right?" my son asked me for the thirty-zillionth time.


"Because I'm YOUR baby but I'm not A baby."


"And I'm YOUR baby because you carried me in your tummy."


He seemed momentarily satisfied with this explanation. Again. At four-years-old (almost five!) he is deeply preoccupied with not being a "baby" but still wants to be his mama's baby. I think this constant reassurance reflects the fact that he has one little foot planted firmly in boyhood, while the other still wants to snuggle the madre.

Which is fine by me. He WILL always be my baby, as I frequently tell him. No matter how big he gets (and the genetic lottery would indicate this boy is gonna be a big'un) he will still be mama's baby. He finds this reassuring.

So do I.

"I was a baby when I was in your tummy," he said. I knew more was coming.


"And when I got big enough I got out of your tummy."


"But not too big."

"Thank goodness," I agreed.

"How did I get out of your tummy?" he lifted his shirt and examined his stomach. "Did I come out of here?" he asked, and pointed to his belly button.

"Uh, no. You came out of the birth canal."

"Oh right. The birth canal," he nodded his head quickly as if he already knew this. He paused. "Where is the birth canal?"


"Um, it's where the baby comes out." I waited to see if the enigmatic zen-teacher of a mother technique would work this time.

"Out of the birth canal."


"Is it a hole?" he cocked his head and looked at me.


"Yes. Yes it is."

"It's a hole big enough to fit a baby?"

(This is where I started sweating.)


"YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR BODY BIG ENOUGH FOR A BABY TO COME OUT?!?" My son's eyes were about to pop out of his head. He recoiled from me in horror.


"You have holes in your body," I pointed out, casual-like.

"I do NOT have holes in my body!" he looked at me as though I'd lost my mind.

"Sure you do. Your mouth is a hole, your ears are two holes ... " I pointed accusingly at his pie-hole and his ear-holes.

"OHHHHH, those kind of holes!" he looked relieved. "So only mamas make babies, right?"

"Sort of. Only mamas carry babies."

"But daddies don't carry babies. I'm not my Dada's baby, right?"

"Well, yes, actually you are. Moms and dads make babies together, but then only the moms carry the baby."


"Because only the mothers have birth canals."



"How do dads make babies with moms?"


*Longer Pause*

"Well, the mother has half the genetic material that makes up a baby, and the father has half the genetic material that makes a baby, and they get together and mix it up and put the baby in the mother!"


Cracky was not to be distracted by my pseudo-scientific use of big words.

"HOW do they put it together?"

"The baby?"

"Yes," he was starting to look impatient.

"Well, the fathers have something called sperm, and the mothers have an egg, and they put that together and then put it in the mother to carry to term."

"HOW do they put it in the mother?" he stared at me hard, now. I had not thrown him off the scent of knowledge.

"Through the birth canal!"

"OH! I get it now!"


"I want you and Fred to get married and make a baby," he said, and held his arms as though rocking an invisible baby.


I should have known this was all about angling for a baby brother.



  1. I bow to your excellence. When my boys start asking me these questions, I'm gonna need an ear bud and a live feed to you.

  2. Sweet. Do you think I could charge for that?

    I'm like the Sex Ed Whisperer!

  3. That was hilariously funny. Oh the tears. Thank heaven my kids have never gone there, you did excellent.

    - Tantric

  4. @Tantric: They haven't? Why is mine so curious!

  5. DDJ: Re: Your deleted comments: You have deleted my comments on your page for far, far less than this.

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  9. Ha! When my daughter was young I gave her the graphic run down in scientific terms. She was mortified, and rather sorry she asked. When my son asked, I thought about his immense love for all things penis-related, and settled for a stuttering conversation along the lines of yours with Cracky. Of course he asked how sperm got there, (I wish I had thought of genetic material--brilliant!) and I just didn't answer, but I have time.

  10. You have a hole THAT big? lol

    Whatever the o.b. ultras were a mistake...

  11. I have had this conversation with all three of my little monkeys. I would have to say reading yours is much more entertaining... I felt more epic fail when I was getting grilled!!

  12. Thank God.

    My kid's eight and still to this day hasn't asked me for that graphic of a description.

  13. I'm still waiting for that conversation and mine are 9 and 11. Perhaps my years of silence on such matters are finally paying off?

  14. I've got it made. When my 5-year-old son asks such questions, I turn to my 10-year-old daughter and say, "You want to answer that?"

    The dirty looks she shoots me make me so proud!

  15. I have girls with thier own birth canals. They know how babies get in there.

    I tried to explain the whole sex, reputation, love and self respect thing. Oh and how not to get preggers.

    You made it seem so effortless. Good going!

  16. *traumatized*


  17. Aren't little boys great?? :)


  18. This makes me a little lightheaded. Again, please write a book for me to read so I know what to do when I have kids someday.

  19. ~~~~~~~~WAY TOO FUNNY!~~~~~~~~~
    My daughter never asked those questions - thank goodness! When she was five, she started riding the bus home from school and had it all explained to her by the other kids. She did ask why she was an only child once. I told her that her mother and I tried really hard to make a brother or sister for her, but that we had just gotten too old and it didn't work. She gave us both a hug, as if she understood.
    ~Mickey Joe~

  20. Mmmm. The mother's success guide to teaching children.

    Classy I like it :)

  21. I laughed. Then I cried. Because I laughed too hard. This was brilliant. I loved it.

  22. Tonight, my four year old was asking me what that round part under his penis was. I told him they we called "testicles". Then he said, "There's two of them in there, you know!" as if it were the most exciting thing ever. (He LOVES his penis). Then he pulled down his pajama bottoms and said, "And what's this skin called that the testicles are in?" So I said, "It's called a scrotum". The instant the word "scrotum" was out of my mouth he was exclaiming "Ewwwww!!!!" We both seemed to realise exactly how gross that word is. I told him he could just call them his balls if he wanted to.

  23. Hi Mandy,

    Priceless. Thank you for sharing.


  24. Aw.
    I want you two to get married and make a baby too. Let it be a little girl. Your eyes and cheekbones, Fred's chin and smile, dry sense of humor and bright as hell. We'll fix her up with Boogey. Might even afrosheen his hair for her :D This was very sweet. I love your Cracky stories. At least your kid didn't think you pooped it out like mine did.

  25. oh god, soccer milf's comment made me snort. Hehehe.

  26. This is why you should always have charts around the house; you never know when you'll have to give an impromptu lecture on human reproduction. You could act out the whole thing, but that gets a little risque.

    Sex Mahoney for President

  27. Tell him your birth canal had a allowance of one baby, and Cracky was so special that he took up all the baby making material.
    Hey, you never know, it might work.

  28. I have carefully skipped around this with Mouse. You are one unlucky broad. hahaa


  29. Hurry up and get a puppy next time he does this. It'll totally buy you time and help you evade the subject matter.

    Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy food for 32 dogs, 18 cats, 7 hamsters, 9 goldfish and 1 mushed frog I found in the driveway when the pet store was closed. ( I know. Score, right? )

  30. Oh! Gawd! *wipe tears* This is so good. When I saw the picture of the Crackmister with his Built A Bear cat (or tiger?) and him feeding it .. I knew this was coming. He is so darn cute!

    My 6yo asked me about holes last night as well .. She thought she had only two. See, the poor baby has a yeast infection (sorry for the details) and I had to put cream close to her vagina and she started panicking!

    She thought that by putting on cream in this hole that she wouldn't be able to Poop! LOL! The poor baby. I explained that she had one hole for her pee to come out, one for the poop and the tird one was her birth canal. I have no idea if i failed or not... but I was glad that she was relieved by my explanation.


  31. Why didn't you try, "Listen, Dude, I'm on my second period in two weeks. There will be no baby making." *snort* I guess that just opens a whole other can of worms...

    My girls were always curious like this...I don't know why everyone else's here seems like their kids never went there...

    One of my girls straight out asked in the supermarket one day what f***ing was...THAT was an EPIC fail.

    Love that Cracky. Send him over to talk to my girls. They'll give him an edumacation.

  32. Wow. You're a f***ing great writer, Mandy. Have you ever thought of doing that as a career? Oh wait...

  33. @Megan: It's all a big guessing game, this parenting thing.

    Collette: Nice C.O.C.K. (CrossOver Comments and Kudos). Oh wait, we don't do kudos here, do we?

    Kevin: I think we all feel EPIC FAIL when it comes to parenting. If we don't, then we're doing something wrong.

    Chrissa: Why is my child grilling me and so many of you are getting off scott-free!

    Foxxxx: Seriously. Why me? How do I repress my boy?

    Melissa: Now that's my kind of parenting! Nicely done.

    Nice Piece of Buddha: Sounds like you're doing better! I need to play up the marriage and healthy relationship part. Maybe I'll save that for when he turns five...

    Bangin': Not as traumatizing as his love of Crocs, eh?

    Cajun Soleil: Yes.

    Mel Heth: You honestly put the idea in my head to collect all my Buddha Mama & Cracky blogs and put them into a single work. I'll let you know how that goes (notorious procrastinator that I am ... ).

    Mickey Joe: That is so sweet.

    Ad Astra: Why thank you.

    Karen: That's because you've lived this. Thank you.

    Soccer MILF: This may be the all-time funniest comment I have ever read. It is certainly blogworthy on its own accord.

    Raao: Thank you, sir.

    Sweet Herald: You and Cracky must never meet. Your twin forces of baby-making evil would be too much for the universe to handle.

    Sex Mahoney: I'll be sure and put a chart in his bedroom.

    Lori: I actually like this quite a bit! It might work! And it will feed his little ego!

    Fiona: A pox upon your house!

    Cunning: Yeah, something tells me not to heed your advice, zoo-man.

    Who Wants To Dust: How awful!

    Just LD: BWAAAAAAAAAA! And thank you for having pervy kids too.

    Dan: Well, if you consider copywriting the same thing as "writing."


  34. My favorite was, "You have a hole that big?!?!?!" Bwaaaaahhhhh.... Loved it.

  35. @Lindsay: That's when I knew I had a blog.

  36. Love this story. I have had similar, much more artless, conversations with my four-year-old!

    When my sister was pregnant, my then-three-year-old nephew asked why her tummy was so big. He was told there was a baby inside. He then asked, with a look of growing horror on his face: "Why did Aunt Mary eat a baby???"

  37. "You've got a hole that big?"

    "Not since the doctor gave me the extra 'love stitch' honey!"

    I love the 'genetic material.' When my son brought this up, I could resist using words like chromosome, gamete, and gonad. I was hoping the technical lingo would put him off the scent.


  38. Hooray! When you get published, I'll totally pimp out your book on my blog.

  39. yeah, we all want a little brother. and then we get one. and you help raise him. you push him to be better than you, to teach him, to be the older male figure he needs and then what does he do?? what does he...


    i think you handled it well. some people say you should just be honest with kids about sex. but sometimes I think that all that does it take away a child's innocence. and that would be a shame.