Thursday, October 2, 2008

Life on Cracky

My son tells me I'm beautiful at least once a day, if not twice If I put on heels or add a necklace, I am sure to receive an emphatic, "You look so beautiful, Mama!" You grown men should take note. Cracky knows a thing or two about keeping the Mama happy.

"You're the mama and that means you're the boss," he tells me.

"That's right," I nod.

"I always do what you say."

"Yep, pretty much."

"I was just kidding earlier when I said I didn't want to wear my coat," he hastens to add, remembering the incident at daycare not five minutes previous.

"Oh, okay," I laugh. It was not a grievous error. He rectified it immediately.

"I didn't mean to whine," he adds.

"That's okay, you've got your coat on now."

"I always listen to you."

"I know."

Later, we are sitting in front of the TV, looking for a video. Our noses are not five inches from the screen.

"Is that a baby being borned?" he asks, witnessing a bloody baby on the screen.

Uh oh.

"Um, yeah. That's a brand new baby."

"Did I come out of you like that?"


"Sort of, except you weren't all messy like that. You came out perfect," I say, not lying. The child was born on his due date, and the nurses barely had to wipe him off. Clearly the boy was "done."

"How did I get out? Through your belly button?" he lifts his shirt to inspect his stomach.

"No," I pause. "You came out of the birth canal."

We stare at each other.

"Okay," he says. "And I drank milk out of your boobs, right?"

"Yes," I breathe a sigh of relief. He bought the "birth canal" business and didn't require any further clarification.

*High fives self for awesome parenting*

The boy straddles my lap and hugs me while I try and put in his DVD. After a moment I notice he's not just hugging me.

"What are you doing?" I pull back to see what's going on.

"I'm pretending," he says, nuzzling my breast.

"PRETENDING WHAT?" I pull him off of my boob.

"That I'm a baby!"


"Why not?"

"Because you're not a baby."

"Just pretend!"

"No. My boobs are private."

"But how come babies can have your boob?"

"Because they're babies and they need milk."

"I drink milk."

We stare at each other.

"Because I'm the boss and I say no."

"Oh. Okay," he says, and sighs just a bit.

The little perv.

*Deduct one point for bad parenting.*

*Note to men: Don't try the "milk" excuse for boob nuzzling. You'll get caught every time.*


  1. When they're not babies anymore they just want to stare and rarely bother with any excuse ;)

  2. Bahahaha! Good God, I read about Cracky and take notes; my son is 5 months old and counting.

    *sweats profusely*

  3. @Foxxx: The Boyfriend communicates this universal theme by saying, "Why are you still wearing clothes?"

    @McKatie: They are so much fun. :-)

  4. "We stare at each other."


  5. @Richard: So much of our communication is non-verbal.


  6. Hi Mandy,

    You two go so well together as mom and son. You are both so cool.

    Great parenting.


  7. Hahahahahaha

    Cracky looks so much like you! It's more obvious in the picture you posted for this blog than any others. He's too adorable!

  8. As a childless ignoramus, I would be really interested in hearing from the moms of FEMALE children. Do they also want to 'pretend to get milk'? I would lay odds that they don't.

    This sheds quite a bit of insight into most mens' obsession :-)

  9. I thought Cracky was a tummy man?

    Nice to see him broadening his horizons. And when there are eventually broads on the horizontal, he'll be the better man for it ;)

  10. boobies are private....*sigh* I think all 4 years olds need to remember this fact.

    40 year olds on the other hand....

  11. OMG that is hilarious. My oldest son tried to do that to me, too. My 6 yr old girl still tries to cop a feel when she can but has finally chilled out on asking questions. She knows how babies are born and tells me she doesn't want any. Chuh. I said the same thing when I found out how babies were born, too. Now I have three. =o)

  12. This was hilarious. The staring cracks me up, and him saying he was just kidding about not wanting to put on his coat. So cute. I hope i get to meet this charmer one of these days.

    *milks you*

  13. You know he's trying to figure out why it isn't called birth river or birth stream ya know. No worries, it will only come up the next time you are out in public and you aren't expecting it to come up. :P

  14. My 13 yr old boy teases my 10 yr old boy by saying "you used to drink milk from moms boob and LIKED it!"

    I've seen little girls "breastfeed" their baby dolls.

  15. Boobs and trains. Meant for the kids, but the grown ups end up playing with them.

    I really hope Cracky doesn't grow out of this phase. He's obedient, but still curious enough to ask questions.

    *high fives BMSD for good parenting*

  16. Colette's comment made me snort I laughed so hard. Hehe.

  17. Why not use that excuse? PETA wants everyone to suckle at the teat of life for Ice Cream. Why can't I just use that, a la Hank in "Me, Myself and Irene"?

  18. This kid is hilarious. :)

    PS : Juju breastfeeds her baby-dolls! I wish I could post a pic. :)

  19. I saw "Women Who Breastfeed Men" once on Donahue. Some people are just fuh-reaks. Maybe it's the people who were bottle-fed as babies trying to fill the void.

    I used to stare at my mom's boobs when I was Cracky's age. If it had been a purple mole, we'd have stared just the same. It's something kids aren't used to seeing and they can sense when we're hiding things from them. Totally normal and innocent. He's no perv - unlike mom and Dirty Jesus.

  20. No milk move? What if I'm REALLY thirsty?

    DAMNIT. There goes my plans for Saturday night.

  21. This was just fabulous Mama!

  22. My little 4 yr old girl grabs my little pinky and pretends to nurse from it, to be more baby-like. And my 7 yr old girl still likes to curl up in my lap and nuzzle that warm spot between the arm and the boob...weird kid. Anyways, I think girls and boys both want to escape back to that time when they were even more cherished and loved.

  23. After I had the third child, the first one who was six at the time noticed that I was having trouble sitting down and wasn't really that mobile. He asked me about it, and I said, "Well, you know how babies are born, right?" and he said "Yes", so I said, "And Harrison was nine and a half pounds..."

    He looked at me, then looked at his brother and I could see the precise moment where it had clicked and he realised that of course getting something that big to come out of THERE was going to hurt like hell. It was priceless.

  24. *looks puzzled*

    But that's what they've ALLLLLL been telling me.


  25. @Soccer Milf ...

    So true. This comment is perfect and so real.

  26. This made me smile!


    Great post. I love your work.


  27. At least your son isn't looking for the hole he came out of. My son is such a boundary crosser!!

  28. That is hilarious! My niece was obsessed with boobs for about the first 7 years of her life. I'm sure she'll end up with DD implants one day.

    I think someday when faced with questions like this, I will just sip off my flask and tell the kids Mommy's having a "funny spell" and can't talk about this anymore.

  29. I was bottle-fed as a baby. I think this explains my breast fascination.....

  30. Pshaw. I keep a stable of wet nurses employed for that very reason.

    Sex Mahoney for President

  31. Ask him if he knows why us guys have nipples.