Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Spanking The Monkey

I just read my friend Salacious Bee's blog about a humiliating shopping experience. (Read it now.) It reminded me of an embarrassing sojourn to my local Blockbuster, back in the innocent '90s (re: Pre-Divorce Mandy).

I believe I'd clipped a newspaper column of Siskel and Ebert's top movie picks for whatever year it was, and was making my way through the list with an anal-retentive yellow highlighter. I had a penchant for foreign films and indie flicks, indie flicks being more indie back then.

I found the one and only copy of the independent film du soir, and sashayed up to the counter. It being a Friday night, there was a long line of people, with dirty children clinging to their parents' legs staring at me with their conjunctive eyeballs. (This was also Pre-Single Motherdom). At last, it was my turn.

"Spanking The Monkey," will that be all?" the boil-faced youth asked me.

"Yep, that'll do it for me." I was surprised to hear muffled laughs behind me. I swear the kid at the register looked over my shoulder at the other patrons and snickered. What the hell?

So off I went with my video, to watch a mother and son tale, fraught with enough Oedipalism to make Freud quiver.

Then I discovered what exactly "spanking the monkey" meant.

I was mortified! (If you don't know, "spanking the monkey" is slang for jerking off. You know, throttling the bishop, choking the chicken, I'm sure you can go on from here...). A few days' later I slinked back to the Blockbuster under the cover of night to slip the tape into the overnight dispenser. I'd had enough humiliation for one rental fee.

About a month later I went to rent another tape from the old Siskel & Ebert file, this time stockpiling two or three wholesome titles in my arms. Again, it was a busy Friday night and I tried to push the little children out of my personal space with my left foot. Get thee away from me, germ-devils.

I collapsed onto the counter when it was finally my turn, and let the tapes fall onto the counter dramatically. I believe I probably emitted a long-suffering sigh because I don't like to wait in line, and I don't like strangers jostling me. Even small, dirty strangers.

Abscess-Face scanned my tapes and then said, "You have a late fee from your previous rental."

I had watched 20/20 and knew that many late fees were a "scam," so I went Scottish on him and demanded the specifics.

"I'm quite sure I've returned all my movies on time. Can you tell me which movie it was?" I raised an eyebrow at him.

He snickered.

My blood ran cold, and before the words, "THAT'S OKAY NEVERMIND!" could escape my lips, he said, loudly, "SPANKING THE MONKEY."

This time he boldly looked at the people in line behind me, his eyes alight. The snuffles, snickers and choked laughter were unmistakable this time.

I thrust my 20 bucks at him and bumbled out of the store, face burning red.

I learned a good lesson about how to treat people in the service industry. Be nice to them if they know what movies you watch. Pervs.

33 comments:

  1. Heh. You should invent a time machine and go tell yourself what it means. But the old you would be all "Back off, Perv."

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  2. I'm stuck... Was this pre Rabbit Pearl- Mandy?!?!

    There was a time when YOU didn't know what "spank the monkey" means?!?!?!!??!?!?!

    I need a cold compress, it's been a very confusing day. ~OM

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  3. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA @ Kurt!

    ~OM

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  4. Uhhhh, I tend to keep a yellow hi-liter in my jacket pocket, just in case I need it.....

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  5. I bet he watched it several times after you, just so he could sniff the case....

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  6. Oh lord, get over it, rent some porn already! Its not the Elizabethan period for God's sake. Well, heck, just borrow some of mine. *pinch* *wink*

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  7. Siskel and Ebert?

    Pervs.

    ~Fragilistic

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  8. Have you read The Time Traveler's Wife?

    @Kurt

    That's not all I'd do.

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  9. I, too, love the indie flicks. I also rented Spanking the Monkey. But I was like 13 and I totally knew what it meant. It's fun to shock those provincial people.

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  10. GREAT story! Thanks. Enjoying your blog.

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  11. Also if they make your pizza, and have your phone number on address to send you ridiculous amounts of food you never asked for.

    Opps.

    But I never was that girl. Wanted to be, oh, my fingers quivered over the keyboard. Just one click away from destruction of someone's perfect evening :D

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  12. Girl are you FA REALLL ?!?!?!

    I'm SHOCKED. Like falling off my chair kinda shocked.

    YOU didn't know what spanking the monkey meant?

    You LIEEEEEEE.

    ~Bangin

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  13. LAUGH Bangin!

    I thought the same thing. Funnyass story though.
    And you will be sharing this link tomorrow *cough* right? Im starting to feel like the geek in school no one likes with SBT.

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  14. I don't remember when I knew what that phrase means. What is it with boys...they have to have a billion ways to say anything...

    Funny story...I've never seen that movie...*jots down on 'movies to see' list*

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  15. i'm pervy to "shaking hands with the one eyed bandit" it sounds like a good thiller movie

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  16. And that is why I like NETFLIX...I just worry the postman opens and seems them after I do.

    Except for the Oedipal influence...were Siskel and Ebert right? *pen at the ready to add 'Spanking the Monkey'*

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  17. But monkeys are naughty, naughty little devils, in need of spanking . . . just sayin

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  18. Actually, the movie was pretty lousy. Don't bother renting it.

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  19. I can't believe I am reading such filth! Perv!

    -RC

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  20. That is a Canadian movie by the way.
    Just sayin'....

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  21. I remember that movie. You're right...it wasn't that great. But I felt quite indie cool for watching it in the first place.

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  22. Well, what's worse is isn't that movie (STM) also about this kid that has this weird sexual relationship with is mother? I remember wanting to watch that movie a while ago becuase I heard it was good and love weird indie shit, but then I watched the first several minutes of it and thought, this is even a little too weird for me.

    Did Cracky watch this movie? Maybe that's why he loves your boobs so much. heh

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  23. The movie wasn't very good, and no, that's not why Cracky loves his mama so much. It's hard-wired into his PSYCHE!

    Freud! 1111111! Rulz! !!! 1.

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  24. There is/was a band called Spank the Monkey in Louisiana that performed at a St. Patty's Day celebration I once attended. Have to say that watching them perform was a letdown -just like your movie- with them having such a name to live up to. Ha!

    ...Celine

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  25. Rent the movie Happiness if you havent seen it.
    Fucked up.

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  26. Another reason NetFlix is great (even if they don't have an adult section).

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  27. I'm impressed you didn't know what 'Spank the Monkey' meant.

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  28. Hello!
    (I never say much when I come over here.)

    (Yes I said "come" but it was in context ferfukksake)

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  29. Hahahahaha, you were so young and innocent. I vaguely remember that movie - I think it was over-rated.

    bretthead

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  30. giggling - feckless pimply faced snot really got you good though- probably premeditated....
    --Alli Skeehan

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  31. i'm glad i read this before i rented "old lawyer will masturbate to this video".

    freakin gene shalit recommendation.

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  32. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

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  33. STM wasn't a great movie, but Jeremy Davies was great in it. And I, too, have trouble believing you didn't know what that phrase meant!
    -B. Love

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