I have long been aware that men derive most of their wisdom from The Godfather.
"Go to the mattresses."
"I'm going to make him an offer he cannot refuse."
Men use these quotes to aid their friends, to offer counsel in times of confusion. The Godfather knew how to handle everything. When in doubt, you go to him. Especially when it concerns business.
I think there is a female equivalent, and I've decided it's Moonstruck, also a film about an Italian family. I'm thinking the Italians might know a thing or two about a thing or two. Capiche?
Everything you need to know about love is in Moonstruck. Don't believe me? Here:
When you encounter the irrational:
Ronny Cammareri: "I love you."
Loretta Castorini: [slaps him twice] "Snap out of it!"
When you encounter denial:
Rose: "I just want you to know no matter what you do, you're gonna die, just like everybody else."
Cosmo Castorini: "Thank you, Rose."
When you encounter blame:
Ronny Cammareri: "You ruined my life."
Loretta Castorini: "That's impossible! It was ruined when I got here! *You* ruined *my* life!"
When you encounter fear:
Loretta Castorini: "What am I going to tell him?"
Cosmo Castorini: "Tell him the truth. They find out anyway."
When someone tries to blow smoke up your ass:
Johnny: "In time you will see that this is the best thing."
Loretta Castorini: "In time you'll drop dead and I'll come to your funeral in a red dress!"
When you find true love:
Rose: "Do you love him, Loretta?"
Loretta Castorini: "Aw, ma, I love him awful."
Rose: "Oh, God, that's too bad."
When you announce your second marriage:
Loretta Castorini: "I'm getting married."
Cosmo Castorini: "Again?"
Loretta Castorini: "Yeah."
Cosmo Castorini: "You did this once before, it didn't work out."
Loretta Castorini: "The guy died!"
When you're engaged to someone else and realize you've found true love...in another:
Ronny Cammareri: "You're gonna marry my brother? Why you wanna sell your life short? Playing it safe is just about the most dangerous thing a woman like you could do. You waited for the right man the first time, why didn't you wait for the right man again?"
Loretta Castorini: "He didn't come!"
Ronny Cammareri: "I'm here!"
Loretta Castorini: "You're late!"
When you discover your husband's been cheating on you:
Rose: "Have I been a good wife?"
Cosmo Castorini: "Yeah."
Rose: "I want you to stop seeing her."
[Cosmo rises, slams the table once, and sits down again]
Cosmo Castorini: "Okay."
Rose: [pauses] "And go to confession."
When your wife discovers you've been cheating on her:
Cosmo Castorini: "A man understands one day that his life is built on nothing, and that's a bad, crazy day."
Rose: "Your life is not built on nothing! Ti amo."
And lastly, when you realize the whole point to this whole thing called life:
Ronny Cammareri: "Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and *get* in my bed!"